The Joke thread

schuette · Post by **schuette** » Sat Jun 05, 2004 10:54 am

I know we had one but I cant find it so I'm starting another one

A lonely old lady, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs"!

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted."You don't have any hands either"!

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you"!

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently."Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Aerosmitten · Post by **Aerosmitten** » Sun Jun 06, 2004 12:06 am

Did ya hear the one about the drummer that walked past a bar?

Hey, it could happen.

*Lifesonite · Post by *Lifesonite » Sun Jun 06, 2004 12:12 am

So, a drummer, okay, like walked into a bar, right? I don't know how that one goes, oh, I'm no good at telling jokes, anyways, funny story, I can't really remember how it goes, anyways, they didn't see it coming, that's the punchline. Sorry, I'm no good at telling jokes.

Slaine mac Roth · Post by **Slaine mac Roth** » Sun Jun 06, 2004 12:54 am

What's the definition of a drummer?
Someone who likes to hang around with musicians

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sun Jun 06, 2004 9:20 am

Actually Slain, that would be the singer.

Hey Schu, this is a joke thread not a bash drummers thread right?

I guess what I mean is shame on Aerosmitten for starting the 1st drummer joke.

heeheeheeheeheeheehee !

What's the difference between meat and fish??
Your not sapposta beat your fish !!

Aerosmitten · Post by **Aerosmitten** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 12:35 am

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4...one to screw it in, and 3 to argue over how much better Neil woulda done it.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 7:12 am

How mant guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Any amount greater than 2. One to do it and all the rest to say, " I can do it".

Slaine mac Roth · Post by **Slaine mac Roth** » Mon Jun 07, 2004 9:49 am

Walkinghairball wrote:Actually Slain, that would be the singer. Hey Schu, this is a joke thread not a bash drummers thread right?
I guess what I mean is shame on Aerosmitten for starting the 1st drummer joke. heeheeheeheeheeheehee !

No, a vocalist is an ego for the bassist to hide behind.

How many keyboard players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they get a machine to do it for them.

Mr. Potatoe Head · Post by **Mr. Potatoe Head** » Fri Jun 11, 2004 5:44 am

Important Warning for Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

'Beer' is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of 'Beer' and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking 'Beer' men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious 'Beer' and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

schuette · Post by **schuette** » Fri Jun 11, 2004 7:08 am

...good one tattie heid

Q: How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?

A: She has to chew before she swallows.

Mr. Potatoe Head · Post by **Mr. Potatoe Head** » Fri Jun 11, 2004 7:10 am

LMAO that explains why Scottish woman have bad teeth

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 3:46 am

Why do southern women wear cotton panties?

So they can keep their ankles warm.

Slaine mac Roth · Post by **Slaine mac Roth** » Sun Jun 13, 2004 11:55 am

On a similar vein to Hairy

How do you know when an Essex girl is having an orgasm?

She drops her kebab.

(you may need to be English to fully understand that one)

Sir Myghin · Post by **Sir Myghin** » Tue Jun 15, 2004 7:29 pm

whats and essex girl>? lol

Me · Post by Me » Wed Jun 16, 2004 2:43 am

something someone sent me this morning

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he
decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey
realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just
by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap .

The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,
it always comes back to bite you.