Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:50 am
I'm shaking my head in disbelief 
hahaha
Page 43 of 163
Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:54 am
heh heh aw c'mon...that's as old as my grammie, and she farts dust
hahaha
hahaha
Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 12:08 pm
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 6:25 am
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
Posted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 8:01 am
ha ha
Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 2:33 pm
****
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
****
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out!"
****
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you
read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I
know the guy."
****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking to
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to stick! CAREFUL .. careful! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
****
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all of
his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.
****
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
****
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out!"
****
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you
read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I
know the guy."
****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking to
many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more
butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
going to stick! CAREFUL .. careful! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are
you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
****
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all of
his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.
****
Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:40 am
I loved them
Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 12:17 pm
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one little girl leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one little girl leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 1:36 pm
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 3:58 pm
LOL......................guess he showed him huh? 
Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:18 pm
NEW WORDS FOR 2006:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm.
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another...
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by
mistake)
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube
Farm.
Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:40 am
I've got that down to a fine artWalkinghairball wrote:
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 7:12 am
schuette wrote:I've got that down to a fine artWalkinghairball wrote:
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
I have resembled that also.
Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 9:55 am
I'm surrounded by "Stress Puppies"
Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 10:13 am
THE MONK
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down....Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, even fixes his car!
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns--trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave, not knowing.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are, and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find the answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching , he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then--if he is honest and reflective, and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply: "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says: "The sound is beyond that door"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to
find a door made of rubies.
And so it went, that he needed ADDITIONAL keys to doors of emeralds, gold and diamonds.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly
amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
.................But I can't tell you what it is...... because you're not a monk. ( SORRY )
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down....Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, even fixes his car!
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns--trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave, not knowing.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are, and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find the answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching , he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then--if he is honest and reflective, and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply: "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says: "The sound is beyond that door"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to
find a door made of rubies.
And so it went, that he needed ADDITIONAL keys to doors of emeralds, gold and diamonds.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly
amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
.................But I can't tell you what it is...... because you're not a monk.
( SORRY )