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Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2004 5:51 am
by Devil's Advocate
Are computers Male or Female? Decide for yourself!
Reasons to believe computers are Female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
Reasons to believe computers are Male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2004 7:14 pm
by Walkinghairball
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.
Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 7:43 am
by ladirushfan80
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
of Home. That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," "Is it
common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."
10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning," "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?
A Short Conversation
When the husband came home from work last night, his wife demanded
that he take her out to some place expensive.
He took her to a gas station!!!!!!
Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 7:46 am
by Walkinghairball
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.
Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 10:26 am
by Devil's Advocate
ladirushfan80 wrote:16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
no, a
fsh.
Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 10:56 am
by Slaine mac Roth
The seven dwarfs are granted an audience with the Pope. As they are shown in, the other six push Dopey forward, sniggering quietly.
Dopey approaches the Pope and asks, in a shy voice, "Are there any Dwarf nuns?" before turning to see the others sniggering louder.
The Pope looks perplexed and replies, "I'm not sure, I'll find out for you," and beckons a cardinal over. After a whispered conversation, the cardinal withdraws. Meanwhile, the six Dwarfs are giggling openly.
A few minutes later, the Cardinal returns and whispers something to the Pope who beckons Dopey forward. With a backward glance at his friends, who are now laughing hard, Dopey approaches the Pope who says, "I'm sorry to say that we have no Dwarf nuns in any order or convent."
Dopey turns to the other Dwarfs who immediately begin a chant of "DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!"
Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2004 7:07 am
by ladirushfan80
oops! mybadd? the "fish" one was copied...i never noticed the typo......
THE MAGIC BEER STORY
A lady walks into a bar and sees a
>>>>really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes
over
>>and
>>>>asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says. She
thinks
>>he's
>>>>a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing
that
>>>>there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting
>at
>>>>the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes,
I'll
>>>>show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies
>>>>around the building three times and comes back in the window.
The
>>lady
>>>>can't believe it. "I bet you can't do that again." He takes
another
>>>>drink of beer,jumps out the window, flies around the building
three
>>>>times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she
says
>>she
>>>>wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her
one
>of
>>>>what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the
beer,
>jumps
>>>>out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her
body,
>>and
>>>>dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know,
>Superman,
>>>>you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2004 7:11 pm
by Orlando's LOVESLAVE
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the
piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt
nearly as much.
Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 6:47 am
by Devil's Advocate
Computer Terms
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G5 - Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Wow, five times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.'
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business people to work at home, on holiday, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 11:16 am
by YYZ30
Devil's Advocate wrote:Computer Terms
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G5 - Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Wow, five times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, 'Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.'
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business people to work at home, on holiday, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Forgot my favorite-
PIBKAC - Problem is between keyboard and chair (Pib-kak)
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 6:35 am
by Me
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 7:58 am
by schuette
That was funny Me
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 9:44 am
by Devil's Advocate
This is an old one:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'
'You must work in Information Technology' says the balloonist.
'I do' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'
The man below says, 'You must work in business.'
'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well, ' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.'
Posted: Thu Aug 26, 2004 3:11 pm
by Me
Beer
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2004 9:55 pm
by Orlando's LOVESLAVE
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway...
Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.