By-Tor.com

THE

RANGE

OF

8

INCHES

LONG

THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

IS

USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY

LOOSELY

FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT

IS

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

IT

IS

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME

OF

FROM

ITS

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

IT

IS

RETURNED

TO

ITS

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST, READY

YET

FOR

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER !

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

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TOOTHBRUSH.........

what were you

thinking?

You PERVERT!

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

A Milking farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly discovered that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual, but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service
Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Ya go ahead and piss ME off!!!

Dear Tide
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told
me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my
drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a
lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the
stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just couldn't come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide
with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They
came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!! I thank
you once again for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write
a letter to the Hefty Bag people"

Take that!!!

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on
one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the
natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told
her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

Oh yes! LOL I could see that happening. That is the way things are up here.

Ain't that the truth.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a
few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going
to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too
far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the
jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....


"Shhhheeeeeiiiiitttt,........ Duuuuuuude........how much water did
you
drink?!!"

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."



"And try to stay on for 8 seconds."

Ralph the Rooster
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named
Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000..00, a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer
takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he
gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,"the farmer said, with a chuckle.Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again-WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

Boudreaux is drinking in a bar in New York when he gets a call On
his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has
produced a typical Cajun baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
But Boudreaux just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks like I
said, my boy's a typical Cajun baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many Exclamations
of "WOW!"... We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy
pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say
you're the father of that typical Cajun baby that Weighed 25 pounds
at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two
weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is
puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He
weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

Boudreaux takes a slow swig from his long-neck Bud-Lite Beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says,

Had'em circumcised".

Kev! LOL

Those rock Kev.