By-Tor.com

The Dr. Seuss Bible

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgILxqN_ ... r_embedded

Thank God that man never had children.

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen

Sweet!

Xanadu wrote:^^^Dude that is so redneck.

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so ugly she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.

Yo mama so fat when she hauls ass it takes TWO trips.

Yo mama so ugly her mama fed her with a slingshot from three states away.

You mama so stupid takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

You mama so stupid she called for a price check while working at the dollar store.

You mama so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory becayse she was throwing all the "W"s out.

Windows error message errors (with my responses)


Windows has detected that you have moved your mouse. What do you wish to do?
Thank the Elder Gods that my mouse works?

Windows found an error making an error. What do you want to do now?
If there's an error with your error, is there really an error?

Virus detected. Your anti-virus has caught a virus. What do you want the anti-virus to do with the virus?
Release it. Well done!

A virus was detected, while your computer tried to make a virus. What would you like to do now?
I'd like to destroy Tokyo.

In order for your keyboard to respond, you will need to rebuild it
Ah, not again!

Your keyboard is not responding. Press any key to continue
Shut up. I'm still rebuilding it.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. (Age-Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder).

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden....As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I
look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table (that I
brought up from the mail box earlier). I decide to go through the mail
before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think: Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first...

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study - so I go inside the
house to my desk, where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold..

Meanwhile, as I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my
desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. (Someone left it on the kitchen table.) I
realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I poured some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the
floor, so I set the remote back on the table, got some towels and wiped
up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall - trying to remember what I was planning to
do today.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed,

The bills aren't paid,

There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter,

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only one check left in my checkbook,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses....

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but
first I'll check the new By-Tor postings....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.

Hey, that can happen with only a good case of the stupids! I know!

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.

The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

Joe decided Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Time to revisit the musician jokes!

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.



~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."



A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ...

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?
He doesn,t know how to work the slide and he can,t swing!

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

~Wedding Band Requests~

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!

Mr. and Mrs. Snovly



C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.



What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"

Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"

Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."


Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

Ok, sing it just like you know how!!!!!!


The Twelve Days of Tiger


Twelve Different Girlfriends
Eleven Ladies Laying
Ten Sponsors Leaving
Nine Ladies Dancing
Eight-Iron Swinging
Seven Strippers Stripping
Six Perkins Pickups
Five Gold diggers
Fore - Watch your head!
300 Million Dollars
Two broken ribs
And a Cadillac in a palm tree

LOL! Oh man, that's gotta hurt!

In all seriousness, though, wow, what a messed up situation!

Hey, he's the jockey with a horse that can't find it's own stall.............now he gotta deal with his wild oat farm............right?!?!?

Why does the singer leave his front door unlocked?


So he can come in whenever he wants and not need to find the key!

Wedding Band Requests

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have an
attitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. What
me and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange for
full ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar player
play John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at
Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked his
use of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out the
feedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of
atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond of|
high register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like the
|Rite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husband
likes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "The
Great Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that would
be OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.
Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobby
with us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None of
them are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 year
old son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understand
the physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.
Thank you and don't be late!

Mr. and Mrs. Snovly



C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

Very nice!

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What's a timpan?

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

Thank God that wasn't the answer I feared.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

Don't either!

A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.

Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."

Oh, that ain't right

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

Isn't that the truth