I don't remember if I already posted this joke, but it is funny, so here it is........................again, maybe.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Joke thread
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Walkinghairball
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3 travelers
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That is a re-post Hairy... but still fuckin' hilarious nonetheless....Walkinghairball wrote:I don't remember if I already posted this joke, but it is funny, so here it is........................again, maybe.
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
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- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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3 travelers
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Walkinghairball
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- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles or offices and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a.............
FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (pay particular attention to this, please) the act of
flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces
the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist....can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion - See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water....Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try
using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles or offices and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a.............
FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (pay particular attention to this, please) the act of
flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces
the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist....can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion - See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water....Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try
using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
This space for rent
-
3 travelers
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Holy Fucking Shit... that is prolly the truest piece I've ever read... I practice these dailyWalkinghairball wrote:HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles or offices and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a.............
FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an ESCAPEE, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an ESCAPEE. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: (pay particular attention to this, please) the act of
flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces
the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist....can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion - See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water....Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try
using CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Too funny brother.... lmfaoLEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
LMAO... who said toilet humor wasn't funny
Subject: FW: Some Funny Stuff...
The following are reportedly accounts of actual exchanges between pilots and Air Traffic control agencies around the world.
******************************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
******************************
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
******************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
******************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
******************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
******************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
******************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
******************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
******************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Subject: FW: Some Funny Stuff...
The following are reportedly accounts of actual exchanges between pilots and Air Traffic control agencies around the world.
******************************
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
******************************
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
******************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
******************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
******************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
******************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
******************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
******************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
******************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
******************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Consumer Alert - Windows XP (SE)
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTHERN EDITION (SE) may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver. Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse",
My Computer is "The Dern Contraption",
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys",
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard",
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive",
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK: ats aw-right
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff dat duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTHERN EDITION (SE) may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver. Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse",
My Computer is "The Dern Contraption",
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys",
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard",
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive",
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK: ats aw-right
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff dat duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Yestermorrow
- Posts: 278
- Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2004 3:01 pm
Me wrote:Consumer Alert - Windows XP (SE)
Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP SOUTHERN EDITION (SE) may have inadvertently been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background art of Gen. Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver. Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse",
My Computer is "The Dern Contraption",
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys",
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard",
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive",
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message, a garbage bag and roll of duct tape pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:
OK: ats aw-right
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: sittins
Programs: stuff dat duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did
Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Lucky we Southerners didn't get the Canadian edition though. Everytime anyone types "aboot" the thing shuts down and you have to start all aver again.
Irish Humor!
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?"
asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy,
"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
=======================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda.
Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up
at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into
a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must
tell me true, Tim Did he at least go quickly?" "Well
Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest
says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put
down that damn gun... "
===================================================! =
AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either "
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?"
asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy,
"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
=======================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda.
Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up
at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into
a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must
tell me true, Tim Did he at least go quickly?" "Well
Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest
says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put
down that damn gun... "
===================================================! =
AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either "
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as doing it. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Well yes, that's true Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as doing it."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as doing it. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Well yes, that's true Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as doing it."
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.
He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in
20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless
man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
This space for rent