The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
wooooo wooooooo > > > > > > Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all > > >of > > >a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. > > > > > > Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he > > >listened > > >very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! > > > Wooooo! Wooooo!" > > > > > > He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. > > > > > > The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was > > >all > > >about. > > > Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. > > > > > > It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they > > >holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer > > >back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." > > > > > > Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of > > >the > > >cave,stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was > > >an[ answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. > > > > > > He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. > > > > > > The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and > > >then > > >he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the > > >huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It > > >is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine > > >women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all > > >his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in > > >anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! > > >WOOOOOOOOO!" > > > > > > With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the > > >cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. > > > > > > The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... > > > NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN--- > > > > > > > > > > > > >
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
More Redneck jokes
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in Basic, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Yestermorrow
- Posts: 278
- Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2004 3:01 pm
A minister of some years decided to read the paper before retiring, but remembered he had left his reading glasses in the bedroom. Just as he started to round the corner, he realized his wife was kneeling beside their bed in evening prayer before she retired for the night. Not wanting to interrupt her in this private moment, he stepped back. This is what he heard:
Dear Heavenly Father, teach me to pray for patience with my dear husband when he gets so carried away with a new project that he regularly forgets what he has faithfully promised that he would do.
Father, teach me to pray for understanding that I may remember that it is my husband's eccentricities that make him the unique and beautiful person that he is...
(The minister is radiant as he blesses the heart of the gentle soul who has been his mate for so many years.)
She adds:
And above all, Dear Lord in Heaven, NEVER allow me to pray for strength or I will surely kill him.
Dear Heavenly Father, teach me to pray for patience with my dear husband when he gets so carried away with a new project that he regularly forgets what he has faithfully promised that he would do.
Father, teach me to pray for understanding that I may remember that it is my husband's eccentricities that make him the unique and beautiful person that he is...
(The minister is radiant as he blesses the heart of the gentle soul who has been his mate for so many years.)
She adds:
And above all, Dear Lord in Heaven, NEVER allow me to pray for strength or I will surely kill him.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He
has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do," the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this
baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He
has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
What are you going to do," the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this
baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
This space for rent
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says..........
"Well that's great......just great..... Some asshole's got my pen."
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says..........
"Well that's great......just great..... Some asshole's got my pen."
This space for rent
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3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
I missed your jokes whilst I was away, Hairy.... good stuffWalkinghairball wrote:A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says..........
"Well that's great......just great..... Some asshole's got my pen."
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
This space for rent
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3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
You're in need of serious help, bro! That's fuckin' hystericalWalkinghairball wrote:A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says,"Excuse me,sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says ,"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know
that she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.