Man that go to bed with honey and jock strap wake up with stickee dickee.ElfDude wrote:A few proverbs. I hope I'm not repeating someone else's post.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*
Man who scratch rear end should not bite fingernails.
*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*
Panties not best thing on earth. But next to best thing on earth!
*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A foursome of guys is patiently waiting at the men's tee
while another foursome of women is hitting from
the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their sweet time.
When the final lady is ready to hit, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and then whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally
hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically,
"I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the
winter haven't helped much, huh".
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well there's your problem. You should have taken
golf lessons instead".
He never even had a chance to duck.
while another foursome of women is hitting from
the ladies' tees.
The ladies are taking their sweet time.
When the final lady is ready to hit, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and then whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally
hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically,
"I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the
winter haven't helped much, huh".
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well there's your problem. You should have taken
golf lessons instead".
He never even had a chance to duck.
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
This space for rent
1977 vs 2007
1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2007: EKG
1977: Acid rock.
2007: Acid reflux.
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
1977: Hoping for a BMW.
2007: Hoping for a BM.
1977: Going to a new, hip joint.
2007: Receiving a new hip joint.
1977: Rolling Stones.
2007: Kidney Stones.
1977: Screw the system.
2007: Upgrade the system.
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1977: Passing the drivers' test.
2007: Passing the vision test.
1977: Whatever.
2007: Depends.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things:
The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type.
That's for those of you who have trouble reading.
1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2007: EKG
1977: Acid rock.
2007: Acid reflux.
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
1977: Hoping for a BMW.
2007: Hoping for a BM.
1977: Going to a new, hip joint.
2007: Receiving a new hip joint.
1977: Rolling Stones.
2007: Kidney Stones.
1977: Screw the system.
2007: Upgrade the system.
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1977: Passing the drivers' test.
2007: Passing the vision test.
1977: Whatever.
2007: Depends.
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things:
The people who are starting college this year were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type.
That's for those of you who have trouble reading.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Okay, I grew up without a dad until I was 16 so this isn't a true story, but it is funny!
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1? half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
And sure enough........!!!
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1? half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
And sure enough........!!!
Onward and Upward!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
And H A R F ! ! !! !! ! This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.
When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.
St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
---------------------------------------------------
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have My ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted he Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going n the boat, and still now owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country; and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of "use tax."
"I really don't think I can finish Your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.
When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.
St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
---------------------------------------------------
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me and ark."
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have My ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no ark.
"Noah," shouted he Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going n the boat, and still now owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire; the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country; and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of "use tax."
"I really don't think I can finish Your ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean You're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
You must read all the way through!
NO CHEATING!
mom calls the husband a 'bastard'
and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"
and Billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"
and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"
and then later Billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"
So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"
His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"
and then later Billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit"
and Billy said "Dad, whats shit"
And then his dad says
"Well Billy, shit is a type of shaving cream "
and then Billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"
and then Blly says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"
"Well Billy fuck is a way of cutting the turkey"
and Then later the guests arrive and Billy goes to them and says
"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey"
NO CHEATING!
mom calls the husband a 'bastard'
and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch"
and Billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?"
and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen"
and then later Billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"
So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"
His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"
and then later Billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit"
and Billy said "Dad, whats shit"
And then his dad says
"Well Billy, shit is a type of shaving cream "
and then Billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "fuck!"
and then Blly says to his mom "Mom whats fuck?"
"Well Billy fuck is a way of cutting the turkey"
and Then later the guests arrive and Billy goes to them and says
"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,
my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey"
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
Onward and Upward!
From my mom:
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Onward and Upward!
^^^
The POLITE Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, and having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute - I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "No, that would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Sherman? How would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word "bathroom" at
the dinner table."
"And you little Johnny...Can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
Johnny jumps up.... "I would say:
Darlin', may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine - that I hope
to introduce you to after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.
The POLITE Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, and having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute - I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "No, that would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Sherman? How would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word "bathroom" at
the dinner table."
"And you little Johnny...Can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
Johnny jumps up.... "I would say:
Darlin', may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine - that I hope
to introduce you to after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing this unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her
rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.?
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.' She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her
rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, 'Where the hell are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot.?
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))