The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Ah yes, the Force was with me. Mortals die by my hand.Walkinghairball wrote:T4EFAN wrote:Bring it, mortal.Sir Myghin wrote: you might find yourself lame if you aren't careful
*Watches from the side lines.*
*Thinks to self: "This should be over quick. Myg's fencing sword vs. AK's light saber.............................no contest, light saber wins."*
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Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
there can only be one?T4EFAN wrote:Ah yes, the Force was with me. Mortals die by my hand.Walkinghairball wrote:T4EFAN wrote: Bring it, mortal.
*Watches from the side lines.*
*Thinks to self: "This should be over quick. Myg's fencing sword vs. AK's light saber.............................no contest, light saber wins."*
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim, Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."
"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix !!!"
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim, Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."
"We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix !!!"
This space for rent
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Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 - and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are
too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the
fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done. By-tor.com's turn.)
Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 - and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number
you press. Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are
too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the
fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done. By-tor.com's turn.)
Don't start none...won't be none.
Okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.
As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
I rear-ended a car this morning on my way to work....
So, there we are alongside the road -and slowly- the
driver gets out of the car, and you know how you just
get SO FRIGGIN' PISSED OFF AND STRESSED...
...yet, life-stuff seems to get funny all-of-a-sudden?
Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He lumbers over to my truck, looks up at me and says,
"I'M NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say,
"Well, which one ARE you then?"
....that's when the fight started.
So, there we are alongside the road -and slowly- the
driver gets out of the car, and you know how you just
get SO FRIGGIN' PISSED OFF AND STRESSED...
...yet, life-stuff seems to get funny all-of-a-sudden?
Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He lumbers over to my truck, looks up at me and says,
"I'M NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say,
"Well, which one ARE you then?"
....that's when the fight started.
Don't start none...won't be none.
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ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
A few proverbs. I hope I'm not repeating someone else's post.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*
Man who scratch rear end should not bite fingernails.
*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*
Panties not best thing on earth. But next to best thing on earth!
*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*
Man who scratch rear end should not bite fingernails.
*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*
Panties not best thing on earth. But next to best thing on earth!
*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
