The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
I got this from our church secretary who though since I proof the church newsletter I could use the advice:
Rules for Better Writing
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clich?s.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Rules for Better Writing
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clich?s like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clich?s.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Onward and Upward!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
no longer call this a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
no longer call this a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black
NASCAR drivers: (I'll bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways
NASCAR drivers: (I'll bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants
at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale JR.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillac's approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways
This space for rent
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few
weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,_ How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not
realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few
weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy,_ How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
Happy 2015!
The mayor of Miami was very worried
about a plague of pigeons in Miami.
The mayor could not remove the pigeons
from the city. All of Miami was full of
pigeon shit. The people of Miami couldn't
walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to try to keep the
streets and sidewalks clean of pigeon shit.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered
the Mayor a proposition.
"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of
pigeons without cost to the city, but, you must
promise not to ask me any questions- Or you
can pay me five million dollars- and ask one
question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and
accepted the FREE proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City
Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.
The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue Florida sky. All the pigeons in Miami
saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the
blue pigeon. The Miami pigeons followed the blue
pigeon, as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely
alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed.
He thought the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful, miraculous feat (to rid Miami
of the 'plague of pigeons.'
Even though the man with the pigeon had
charged nothing, the mayor presented him with
a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask, and even
though they had agreed to no fee, and the man
had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the
5 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money, and told the mayor
to pose his question:
VVV
VVV
VVV
(ForgivemeJesusforallthestarvingPygmiesinAfrica)
VVV
The mayor asked: "Do you have a Blue Cuban?"
about a plague of pigeons in Miami.
The mayor could not remove the pigeons
from the city. All of Miami was full of
pigeon shit. The people of Miami couldn't
walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to try to keep the
streets and sidewalks clean of pigeon shit.
One day a man came to City Hall and offered
the Mayor a proposition.
"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of
pigeons without cost to the city, but, you must
promise not to ask me any questions- Or you
can pay me five million dollars- and ask one
question."
The mayor considered the offer briefly and
accepted the FREE proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City
Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon.
The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue Florida sky. All the pigeons in Miami
saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the
blue pigeon. The Miami pigeons followed the blue
pigeon, as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely
alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed.
He thought the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful, miraculous feat (to rid Miami
of the 'plague of pigeons.'
Even though the man with the pigeon had
charged nothing, the mayor presented him with
a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that,
indeed, he did have a question to ask, and even
though they had agreed to no fee, and the man
had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the
5 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money, and told the mayor
to pose his question:
VVV
VVV
VVV
(ForgivemeJesusforallthestarvingPygmiesinAfrica)
VVV
The mayor asked: "Do you have a Blue Cuban?"
Don't start none...won't be none.