The Joke thread

Slaine mac Roth · Post by **Slaine mac Roth** » Fri Dec 03, 2004 4:08 pm

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Permanent Waves · Post by **Permanent Waves** » Sat Dec 04, 2004 12:26 am

lol nice one Slain!

Orlando's LOVESLAVE · Post by **Orlando's LOVESLAVE** » Mon Dec 27, 2004 8:25 pm

My mother e-mailed me this joke. Thought I would share it with everyone.

Bear Conversions

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

schuette · Post by **schuette** » Tue Dec 28, 2004 6:54 am

LOL

Me · Post by Me » Tue Jan 04, 2005 6:29 pm

That fucking penguin makes me smile every time I see it!

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Fri Jan 07, 2005 1:19 pm

A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"
The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.
The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 10:19 am

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

3 travelers · Post by **3 travelers** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 2:46 pm

Walkinghairball wrote:A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Good one, Hairy

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 7:23 pm

.....hehehehehe

Orlando's LOVESLAVE · Post by **Orlando's LOVESLAVE** » Wed Jan 12, 2005 8:47 pm

The true meaning of the word: "service"
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word
"service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
And I became confused about the word "service."
This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a
bull to "service" a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective.
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 8:50 am

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny before had burned her. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

3 travelers · Post by **3 travelers** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 9:56 am

Walkinghairball wrote:A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny before had burned her. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

YOU SUMBITCH.... That's too fucking funny! Who writes your dialogue??

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:36 am

Most of 'em come to me in dreams........ the rest are e-mailed to me.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 11:39 am

Like this one................

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

3 travelers · Post by **3 travelers** » Thu Jan 13, 2005 12:35 pm

Walkinghairball wrote:Like this one................

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

Nice.....