By-Tor.com

awip2062 wrote:That kid comes in handy at times!

just remember the old saying.....:

"be nice to your children.....they'll be choosing your nursing home"

She's already told me I will be living with WCP. *wink*

Weenie Test
Three third graders from Tenneessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the playground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one."

Oh man.............that's a good one Kev...........LMAO ovah here!!!!



Here's a few, and they might have been posted before, I've slept since then.


>>Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
>>over by a train.
>>His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
>>he's walking with a limp.
>>
>>"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
>>"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
>>"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
>>"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
>>"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
>>lickin' he gave me with it."
>>"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
>>something in your hand?"
>>"That I did," said Paddy.
>>"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a
>>fight."
>>
>>**********************************************************************************************************
>>An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
>>city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
>>road.
>>
>>A cop pulls him over.
>>"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
>>"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
>>"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
>>evening."
>>"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
>>"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
>>across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
>>your car?"
>>"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
>>"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
>>
>>**********************************************************************************************************
>>Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
>>at her door.
>>
>>"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
>>"I've somethin' to tell ya".
>>"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
>>husband?"
>>"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an acciden down
>>at the Guinness brewery..."
>>"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
>>"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
>>Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
>>"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
>>drowned.."
>>"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
>>quickly?"
>>"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
>>
>>************************************************************************************************************
>>Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
>>and she's in tears.
>>He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
>>She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
>>My husband passed away last night."
>>The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
>>Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
>>She says,
>>He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
>>
>>*********************************************************************************************************
>>AND THE BEST FOR LAST
>>
>>A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
>>down, but says nothing.
>>The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues
>>to sit there.
>>Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
>>The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
>>either!"

I haven't heard them all Hairy... Keepers! LMAO


A Blonds Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing..... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's..... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh"..... there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

This thread rocks! Thanks, guys! \m/

they were all funny as fuck

"Outhouse"

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

POLITICALLY CORRECT

The Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the
loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding
seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, ?Now sit back and enjoy your
trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to your destination."

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did
I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?" When the cargo crew
came by, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the Major a
woman?"

" Yes," said the crew member. "In fact, this entire crew is
female." "My God," said Sgt. Looper, "I'd better have a
tranqulizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."




"That's another thing Sarge," she said. "We no longer call it
the Cock Pit." "It's the Box Office."

Box office! LOL

Rush had a comical box office at Montage Mt and you was able to get tickets there too but I already had some lawn seats. Xanny got some and got front row or nearly front row but it wasn't Me

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur knew he couldn't say no to the Pope, so he climbed into the back of the limo while the Pontiff took the wheel.
The Pope proceeded to hop on Route 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He had the limo to about 90 miles per hour when, WHAM!, the friendly blue lights of the State Police appeared in his mirror.

The Pope pulled over and the trooper came to his window. The trooper instantly saw who it was and figured it would be better if he called in for procedure. The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief:

"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief replied,

"Who is it, not Ted again?"

"No," said he trooper, "even more important."

"Oh no, have you pulled the Governor over?"

"No, even more important."

"Whoa! Don't tell me you've pulled over the President?!"

"No, more important," replied the trooper.

"Who could be more important than the President?!" screams the chief.

"I don't know who it is," says the trooper. "All I know is he's got the Pope as his chauffeur...."

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."


Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"