A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Kansas City International Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Kansas City. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Kansas City."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in KC?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take
that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get
a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts
to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
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Walkinghairball
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- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in Minnesota, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Devil's Advocate
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- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support:
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "So - what are you wearing?"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with Watchdog. Press 3 if you're with the Financial Services Authority."
* "We can fix this, but you're going need a knife, a roll of sticky tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mum! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' solicitor."
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Walkinghairball
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Sir Myghin
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Walkinghairball
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Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
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- Location: Confused state of mind.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Don't forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!
letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Don't forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!
The page senses that you are too stupid
You are currently too stupid to find the page you are looking for. You may just be a congenital idiot, or you may need to adjust your browser settings to accept more retarded requests.
Please try the following:
* Click the refresh.gif (82 bytes)Refresh button, or begin drinking heavily. After enough shots, SOMETHING will appear.
* If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly, you stupid putz. If you are an AOL user make sure you did not accidentally type your street address in the Address bar, you moron.
* To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings. However, since you're running Microsoft Windows, there's absolutely no chance in hell that you'll resolve anything. Ever.
* If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings, along with most of your financial records. If you actually have a Network Administrator who has enabled it, please raise your hand. Yeah, that's what we thought.
If you would like Microsoft Windows to try and discover them,
click Detect SettingsDetect Network Settings. This will do absolutely nothing and will resolve no problems whatsoever. Like we care.
* Some sites require 128-bit stupidity. In order to better cope with idiots of your magnitude, a patch will soon be available which makes 256-bit stupidity possible.
* If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. Change whatever you want; people will find a way to steal your credit card number regardless.
* Click the Back button to try another link. Yeah, let's go with that: try another link.
HTTP 404 Request Is Too Stupid
Internet Explorer
You are currently too stupid to find the page you are looking for. You may just be a congenital idiot, or you may need to adjust your browser settings to accept more retarded requests.
Please try the following:
* Click the refresh.gif (82 bytes)Refresh button, or begin drinking heavily. After enough shots, SOMETHING will appear.
* If you typed the page address in the Address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly, you stupid putz. If you are an AOL user make sure you did not accidentally type your street address in the Address bar, you moron.
* To check your connection settings, click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. On the Connections tab, click Settings. However, since you're running Microsoft Windows, there's absolutely no chance in hell that you'll resolve anything. Ever.
* If your Network Administrator has enabled it, Microsoft Windows can examine your network and automatically discover network connection settings, along with most of your financial records. If you actually have a Network Administrator who has enabled it, please raise your hand. Yeah, that's what we thought.
If you would like Microsoft Windows to try and discover them,
click Detect SettingsDetect Network Settings. This will do absolutely nothing and will resolve no problems whatsoever. Like we care.
* Some sites require 128-bit stupidity. In order to better cope with idiots of your magnitude, a patch will soon be available which makes 256-bit stupidity possible.
* If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure your Security settings can support it. Click the Tools menu, and then click Internet Options. Change whatever you want; people will find a way to steal your credit card number regardless.
* Click the Back button to try another link. Yeah, let's go with that: try another link.
HTTP 404 Request Is Too Stupid
Internet Explorer
Onward and Upward!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Prolly fits better in the political thread but a joke is a joke.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
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Sir Myghin
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
In a city park stood two statues, one female, and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"
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Sir Myghin
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- Location: Ontario, Canada