Good jokes everyone, here is one for Rushlight...
"Chili Cookoff Contest"
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.< /B>
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it poss ible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw tho se rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop bre athing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over
and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty
virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you
usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home
and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with
her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins ?35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins ?320. Then he
gets the full house and wins ?1000. The national grid comes up and he wins
that too getting ?380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20
years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house
and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on
Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Feck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty
virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you
usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home
and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks
him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with
her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins ?35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins ?320. Then he
gets the full house and wins ?1000. The national grid comes up and he wins
that too getting ?380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20
years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house
and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on
Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."
"Feck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."
Bassist of Joe's Band
My girlfriend and I were talking about finances and she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore, so I'd have to quit drinking it.
Then I caught her spending ?65 on make-up, ?150 for a cut & colour, ?30 for a manicure, ?40 for a pedicure, ?50 on vitamins, ?300 on clothes, and ?600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't have to. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Then I caught her spending ?65 on make-up, ?150 for a cut & colour, ?30 for a manicure, ?40 for a pedicure, ?50 on vitamins, ?300 on clothes, and ?600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't have to. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
Bassist of Joe's Band
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to address simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to address simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Bassist of Joe's Band
50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said,
"Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said;
"That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty Years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said,
"Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said;
"That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty Years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."
Bassist of Joe's Band
.........they were all funny 
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
The "Purina Diet"
I have a Basset Hound, and I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out....
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the "Purina Diet" again (although I probably shouldn't have, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time..I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.)
I told her that it was, essentially, a perfect diet--and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.... PEOPLE....
(I also have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.)
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hosptal in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because...I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.....
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
I have a Basset Hound, and I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out....
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the "Purina Diet" again (although I probably shouldn't have, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time..I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.)
I told her that it was, essentially, a perfect diet--and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.... PEOPLE....
(I also have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.)
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hosptal in that condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because...I'd been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.....
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Don't start none...won't be none.
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY...
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you....
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.....
After having met you-
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion!!!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky Virginia & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time ..
Let's say we stop.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
It's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday....
So....we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side:
It's really good pay.
=
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you....
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.....
After having met you-
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion!!!
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky Virginia & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age....
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time ..
Let's say we stop.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
It's almost like you're here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday....
So....we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side:
It's really good pay.
=
Don't start none...won't be none.