now you can
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
...that's when it will hurt so good 
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET--NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE TO HIM--AND THEN SAYS HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS: "DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES: "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK, TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE, AND SAYS: "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY...THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE...WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING...WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND STUCK A CARROT UP MY WAZOO?".
SHE SAID: "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS: "DO YOU KNOW ME?"
TO WHICH SHE REPLIES: "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."
NOW HE THINKS BACK, TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE, AND SAYS: "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY...THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE...WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING...WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND STUCK A CARROT UP MY WAZOO?".
SHE SAID: "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."
Don't start none...won't be none.
BUSINESS SLOGANS
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
Don't start none...won't be none.
"Friendships Between Women And Men"
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendships Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over...
Two claimed that he was still there....
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendships Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over...
Two claimed that he was still there....
Don't start none...won't be none.