Walkinghairball wrote:A few new "Yer Mama" jokes I heard recently.
"Yer mama so fat she sweats mayonaise..............we call her "Miracle hips."
"Yo mama so fat.....she bungee-jumped straight to Hell."
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
This is a bit of nonsense I wrote.
NOTE: an "oni" is a demon-like being that used to be human. You'll see why I tell you this.
SHINNOK: Do you want a pie?
RAIDEN: Not today.
SHINNOK: Please?
RAIDEN: No.
SHINNOK: I'll be your best friend.
RAIDEN: ...
SHINNOK: What?
RAIDEN: YOU'RE MY WORST ENEMY!
SHINNOK: I'll stop trying to take over Earthrealm.
RAIDEN: Oh, COME ON! Like I'd fall for that!
SHINNOK: Just try it.
RAIDEN: All right.
Raiden eats a piece of Shinnnok's pie.
SHINNOK: So, Raiden, you like it?
RAIDEN: That was pretty good! You're my new best friend.
SHINNOK: YAY!
RAIDEN: I have a question for you, Shinnok.
SHINNOK: Yeah?
RAIDEN: Do you think Master Bo' Rai Cho is fat? Be honest for once.
SHINNOK: Well, yeah. He's a fat drunkard.
RAIDEN: At least he can fight.
SHINNOK: True.
Noob Saibot enters.
NOOB SAIBOT: Lord Shinnok, do you need more oni parts?
RAIDEN: What does he do with oni parts?
NOOB SAIBOT: He uses them for pie filling.
RAIDEN: WHAT?! *covers his mouth* Oh, BY the GODS!
I told you it was nonsense.
NOTE: an "oni" is a demon-like being that used to be human. You'll see why I tell you this.
SHINNOK: Do you want a pie?
RAIDEN: Not today.
SHINNOK: Please?
RAIDEN: No.
SHINNOK: I'll be your best friend.
RAIDEN: ...
SHINNOK: What?
RAIDEN: YOU'RE MY WORST ENEMY!
SHINNOK: I'll stop trying to take over Earthrealm.
RAIDEN: Oh, COME ON! Like I'd fall for that!
SHINNOK: Just try it.
RAIDEN: All right.
Raiden eats a piece of Shinnnok's pie.
SHINNOK: So, Raiden, you like it?
RAIDEN: That was pretty good! You're my new best friend.
SHINNOK: YAY!
RAIDEN: I have a question for you, Shinnok.
SHINNOK: Yeah?
RAIDEN: Do you think Master Bo' Rai Cho is fat? Be honest for once.
SHINNOK: Well, yeah. He's a fat drunkard.
RAIDEN: At least he can fight.
SHINNOK: True.
Noob Saibot enters.
NOOB SAIBOT: Lord Shinnok, do you need more oni parts?
RAIDEN: What does he do with oni parts?
NOOB SAIBOT: He uses them for pie filling.
RAIDEN: WHAT?! *covers his mouth* Oh, BY the GODS!
I told you it was nonsense.
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
^^^
Nah, that was kinda cool. I'd read that novel
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Nah, that was kinda cool. I'd read that novel
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
A Man and His Wife Get Robbed
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years -- let alone one as beautiful as you. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember both of our lives depends on it."
"Darling," whispered the wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years -- let alone one as beautiful as you. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember both of our lives depends on it."
"Darling," whispered the wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt."
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
The Home Depot Scam
A 'heads up' for those men (OR WOMEN) who may be regular
Home Depot customers:
This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk...
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
mammaries almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts...
(It is impossible not to look.)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonalds...
You agree and they get in the back seat...
On the way, they start undressing...
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat, and starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet...
VVV
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th and 29th.
Also: May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times
last Saturday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
PLEASE tell your friends to be careful!
(P.S. - WalMart has wallets on sale for $2.99....)
A 'heads up' for those men (OR WOMEN) who may be regular
Home Depot customers:
This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk...
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
mammaries almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts...
(It is impossible not to look.)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonalds...
You agree and they get in the back seat...
On the way, they start undressing...
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat, and starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet...
VVV
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th and 29th.
Also: May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times
last Saturday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
PLEASE tell your friends to be careful!
(P.S. - WalMart has wallets on sale for $2.99....)
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
A guy walks into a barber shop for a haircut and shave. He sits down, and after a while its his turn. He notices that the barber does a much better job with his straight razor and says as much to the barber. The guy also tells the barber that with his unsteady hands he could not use a straight razor on himself.
The barber excuses himself and comes out with 2 wooden balls, a bit larger than ping pong balls and tells the guy to put them in his cheeks, like a squirrel would do with walnuts. He then says with his razor at home combined with the wooden balls his shave will be just as good, and the technique has been done hundreds of times before with those same balls, so he knows what he's saying.
A week passes, and each day the guy is more and more impressed with how close a shave he's getting. On the eighth day, he has a lapse in concentration and swallows both balls. He's panicked, and has no idea what to do.
He drives to the barber shop as fast as he can and runs into the shop. The conversation follows:
Man: "I swallowed those wooden balls you gave me- what the hell do I do!!!!???"
Barber: "Relax, its happened a hundred times before..."
Man: "Well, what the hell do we do then? Go to the doctor???!! Surgery?!?!! I can't afford either"
Barber: "Nope- we just wait about three days and wait for them to pass on their own like everyone else did!"
The barber excuses himself and comes out with 2 wooden balls, a bit larger than ping pong balls and tells the guy to put them in his cheeks, like a squirrel would do with walnuts. He then says with his razor at home combined with the wooden balls his shave will be just as good, and the technique has been done hundreds of times before with those same balls, so he knows what he's saying.
A week passes, and each day the guy is more and more impressed with how close a shave he's getting. On the eighth day, he has a lapse in concentration and swallows both balls. He's panicked, and has no idea what to do.
He drives to the barber shop as fast as he can and runs into the shop. The conversation follows:
Man: "I swallowed those wooden balls you gave me- what the hell do I do!!!!???"
Barber: "Relax, its happened a hundred times before..."
Man: "Well, what the hell do we do then? Go to the doctor???!! Surgery?!?!! I can't afford either"
Barber: "Nope- we just wait about three days and wait for them to pass on their own like everyone else did!"
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Two guys go hunting and in the middle of the day one of them clutches his throat, gasps and falls to the ground. The other hunter walks over to his friend and sees that his eyes are glazed over. He calls 9-1-1 and tells the operator, my friend and I were hunting and he collapsed onto the ground. His eyes are glazed and I think he's dead. Please send somebody quick!
The operator says, "Hang on a moment, sir. First we have to make sure that he is dead. The hunter says, "Hang on a minute." Then the operator hears *BLAM!*
The hunter comes back to the phone and says, "Ok, now what?"
The operator says, "Hang on a moment, sir. First we have to make sure that he is dead. The hunter says, "Hang on a minute." Then the operator hears *BLAM!*
The hunter comes back to the phone and says, "Ok, now what?"
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Big Blue Owl wrote:Two guys go hunting and in the middle of the day one of them clutches his throat, gasps and falls to the ground. The other hunter walks over to his friend and sees that his eyes are glazed over. He calls 9-1-1 and tells the operator, my friend and I were hunting and he collapsed onto the ground. His eyes are glazed and I think he's dead. Please send somebody quick!
The operator says, "Hang on a moment, sir. First we have to make sure that he is dead. The hunter says, "Hang on a minute." Then the operator hears *BLAM!*
The hunter comes back to the phone and says, "Ok, now what?"
That kind of hunting happens in Idaho.
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
This space for rent
Walkinghairball wrote:Big Blue Owl wrote:Two guys go hunting and in the middle of the day one of them clutches his throat, gasps and falls to the ground. The other hunter walks over to his friend and sees that his eyes are glazed over. He calls 9-1-1 and tells the operator, my friend and I were hunting and he collapsed onto the ground. His eyes are glazed and I think he's dead. Please send somebody quick!
The operator says, "Hang on a moment, sir. First we have to make sure that he is dead. The hunter says, "Hang on a minute." Then the operator hears *BLAM!*
The hunter comes back to the phone and says, "Ok, now what?"
That kind of hunting happens in Idaho.
I'm IN Idaho!
Onward and Upward!
Going through unread e-mails, I found this that my mom sent me:
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has forever, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the sky and said, 'Where'?
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has forever, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets
trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Onward and Upward!
An eighty year old man was having his annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the
stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the
doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you
have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied
the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," relied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc,
"I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up
half of your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said
, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the
stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the
doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you
have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "No," replied
the man. "Do you drink in excess?" "No," relied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!" "Well," said the doc,
"I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up
half of your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said
, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Onward and Upward!