The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
Happy 2015!
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
?What the hell was that for?? he asked.
?That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,? she replied.
?But you don?t understand,? he pleaded. ?Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?
?Oh honey, I?m sorry,? she said. ?I should have known there was a good explanation.?
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ?What was that for?? he begged.
?Your horse called!?
?What the hell was that for?? he asked.
?That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,? she replied.
?But you don?t understand,? he pleaded. ?Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?
?Oh honey, I?m sorry,? she said. ?I should have known there was a good explanation.?
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ?What was that for?? he begged.
?Your horse called!?
Time with a condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could
see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?"
she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She
then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and
lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She
asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could
see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?"
she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She
then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and
lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" She
asked.
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
How Blonde Is She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
This space for rent
No Bacon or Eggs........
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks u p at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I? ? ! ! . . . . .
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.' Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks u p at his mother with a smile, and says: 'Are you going to tell him, or should I? ? ! ! . . . . .
Happy 2015!
hehehe, I always get a chuckle if not an outright belly laugh when I come into this thread! 
This one's for Siggs:
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing
(ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear
Mother and Father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm
going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and
children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't
have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go
ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
This one's for Siggs:
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing
(ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear
Mother and Father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm
going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and
children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't
have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go
ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
Onward and Upward!
awip2062 wrote:hehehe, I always get a chuckle if not an outright belly laugh when I come into this thread!
This one's for Siggs:
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing
(ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and
said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear
Mother and Father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm
going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and
children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't
have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go
ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'
heeheeheeheehee Truth be known, I have PLENTY of friends
north of the Mason Dixon, but true, R.E.L. is a hero here.
I live on land traveled by both North and South during the
War-Against-Northern-Aggression (Southern folks don't call it the CIVIL
WAR), and I haven't disturbed a thing.
In fact, and no disrespect intended, you may have noticed that some
calendars show Jan 15 as LEE/JACKSON DAY, BEFORE MLK day was even
a thought.
Indeed, some of us still wish each other a good LEE/JACKSON Day every
January 15, along WITH MLK.
HERITAGE - Not HATE.
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Wed May 14, 2008 1:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the
ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Actually, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is
fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says....
"Pick a night."
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the
ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy
moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his
voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Actually, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is
fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie says....
"Pick a night."
Don't start none...won't be none.