Why Fish are Better than Women.
1.They don't complain about the size of your rod.
2.You can take home more than one fish per night.
3.They give you a good nights entertainment and dinner next day.
4.Fish are willing to swallow anything.
5.You feel proud to be seen with a big fat fish.
6.Fish are happy when you throw them back.
7.You catch fish on crab, but catch crabs off women
8.You can boast about your fish down the pub.
9.Fish don't talk about your tackle with their mates.
10.Fish only have five second memories.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
...Only DELMARVA folks (Delaware/Maryland/Virginia), Chesapeake Bay
Watershed Boaters and some fisher-folk may understand this:
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, a
Ocean City, MD man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Maryland State Troopers.
'We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about
your wife,' said one trooper.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' Rice shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you Sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rt. 50
(Chesapeake Bay) Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked:
"What's the good news?"
The trooper continued:
"When we pulled her up, she had 12 HUGE Blue Crabs and 6
extra-large Blue Crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"
The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up AGAIN tomorrow."
Watershed Boaters and some fisher-folk may understand this:
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, a
Ocean City, MD man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Maryland State Troopers.
'We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about
your wife,' said one trooper.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' Rice shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you Sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rt. 50
(Chesapeake Bay) Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked:
"What's the good news?"
The trooper continued:
"When we pulled her up, she had 12 HUGE Blue Crabs and 6
extra-large Blue Crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"
The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up AGAIN tomorrow."
Don't start none...won't be none.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit
onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said:
"Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity
this morning."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit
onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said:
"Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity
this morning."
Don't start none...won't be none.
My wife and I went to the state fair, and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said:
"He mated 50 times last year!"
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said:
"WOW - That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife was so stoked that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and she said:
"That's once a day...You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said:
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should
eventually make a full recovery.
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said:
"He mated 50 times last year!"
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said:
"WOW - That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife was so stoked that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and she said:
"That's once a day...You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said:
"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should
eventually make a full recovery.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Oh he's lucky to be alive!
Okay, I think I figured out why my mom is so good in math. She sent me this (and, yes, she attended Catholic schools):
effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the
difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Okay, I think I figured out why my mom is so good in math. She sent me this (and, yes, she attended Catholic schools):
effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the
difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the Uniforms? 'WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Onward and Upward!
-
Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
Thats a good one!-
Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
That is a good one t.
Here's one:
Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Here's one:
Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
-
Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
Another joke. This one came from my mother.
THE HAIRCUT
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures
$20.' 'Why not?' he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
THE HAIRCUT
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a
haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk
to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures
$20.' 'Why not?' he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands
out and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost
passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
This space for rent
-
Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
To:
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help
but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how
good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as
stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when itCame to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help
but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how
good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet . If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'.
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your
Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as
stadium seating!
All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote
control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when itCame to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?!
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ...Imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
