The Joke thread

[Walkinghairball]

A contestant on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover:
Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly, 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Regis.
'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Regis.
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
Two seconds later, Regis said, 'I regret to inform you that the answer is....absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!'
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant.
'Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on!' said the blonde. 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

[Soup4Rush]

Dear All
>
> My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
>
> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs
>in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
>envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>participating in their special e-mail program .....
>
> Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
>million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who
>died intestate.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
>out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish .
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
>forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
>remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car
>so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
>Singapore and Uzbekistan.
>
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
>brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
>when it bites my bum.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I
>found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex
>molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
>70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm
>this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
>you to grow a hairy hump.
>
> I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
>next door neighbor?s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
>beautician.
>
> By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
>discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
>always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Medinaquirin]

Oh crap, I didn't take my hand off the mouse!

[ElfDude]

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Guilty of the latter. No idea about the former. Never saw any test results.

Glavin!

[Sir Myghin]

you mean the mouse comes off your hand?

[T4EFAN]

A large dove with diarrhea

[Big Blue Owl]

Glavin!

That, to me, is a funny in itself

[Medinaquirin]

Hay laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaydeeeeeee!

[Big Blue Owl]

Haha!

No shooting a person, please, man with bullets in gun pointing at me now with a shoodnick.

[CygnusX1]

*Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008*

*Number 10*

Life is sexually transmitted.




*Number 9*

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.




*Number 8*

Men have two emotions:

Hungry and Horny. If you see me without an erection, make me a sandwich.




*Number 7*

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.




*Number 6*

Some people are like a Slinky - Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.




*Number 5*

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday - lying in hospitals and dying of nothing.




*Number 4*

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.




*Number 3*

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, yet a substantial tax cut saves you just $30.00?




*Number 2*

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



*And The Number 1 Thought For 2008*

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among
millions and millions of cows in America, yet we haven't got a clue as to
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located...

Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

[Soup4Rush]

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's

most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway,

John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity,

let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam.


Change your name.


Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.

TheU.S.Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped.

I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would

be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station

Oceana inVirginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks

like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair,

finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles

dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the

other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the

voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting'. Remember?)

Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad.

Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting

for him to say, 'We have liftoff'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million

weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie.

I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked

Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up

as they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name

sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot.

But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had

instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened

me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out

of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked

unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me,

and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up In minutes we were firing nose

up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.

It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails.

We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and

dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute.

We chased another F-14, and it chased us.



We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at

200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5,

which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing

against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing

stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point,

as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock

bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I

was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person

in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass,

or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'.

Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves.

I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm

glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever

makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said

he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd

send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

'Two Bags.'

[CygnusX1]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and
generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has
a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "stiff one."

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned
"stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"...

[Me]

^^^BAWAHAHAHEEHEEHOHO^^^

[awip2062]

Now I know why I never liked Mtn. Dew! LOL

[Walkinghairball]

Musician jokes.....................Yeah I know, but it's not my doing. Ok, mostly drummer jokes, but still..........................nevermind.


Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

Q. What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A. Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
A. One will mature and make money.

Q. What did the drummer say to the band leader?
A. Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? He had to break the car window to get the drummer out.

Q.What do you call a pr*ck with no sense of rhythm?
A A guitarist.

Q. Why did the drummer leave his drum sticks on the dashboard of his car?
A. So he could park in the handicap spots.

Q. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A. Drool.

Did you hear about the drummer who was so bad about dragging he was fired by the band?
He became so depressed he went to the train station and threw himself behind a train.

Q. How do you know when a guitarist is knocking at your door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How do you get a singer off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

There were two blokes walking down the street. One was a drummer, the other hadn't got any money either.

Q. Why does the drummer always sit at the back?
A. So he's a smaller target.

Q. How do you know when the stage is level?
A. The Drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth.

Q. How do you know when a drummer is at your front door?
A. The knocking speeds up, and gets louder.

Q.What do you throw to a drowning guitarist?
A.His amp!

Bloke walks into a shop and starts ranting about how he is fed up with being the butt of jokes and is going to take up the Guitar.
"I want a Stratocaster, 500 Watt Amp, 4x12 cabinet........"
"Hang on!" says the shopkeeper. "You are a drummer."
The bloke is crestfallen. "How did you know that??" he whispered.
"This is fish shop!!!"

Q. What do you call someone that hangs out with a
group of musicians?
A. A drummer...

Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A. Homeless!

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A singer.