The Joke thread

[CygnusX1]

LOL!!!

I was trying to figure out how there could be some people around me here at my job who are also doing the work. Then I remembered that half of the people in prisons are illegal immigrants that weren't counted in the first number. So there are acutally about 600,000 people to do the work.

Good point Elf! Duly noted.

Okay....get back to work. LOL

[Aerosmitten]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND.
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an Atlanta school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today.Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our
kids.....

[Walkinghairball]

Thanks kiddo..............................You have officially slayed me.

[awip2062]

e's dead!

[Walkinghairball]

What happened to Eags???????

[awip2062]

Bear!

[Walkinghairball]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . .
"Go get your mother."

[CygnusX1]

A man was squatting on a blanket at the beach.


He had no arms and no legs.



Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.



One of the women asked: "Have you ever had a hug??"



The man said "No," so she gave him a nice hug and walked on.




Another of the women asked: "Have you ever had a kiss?"




The man said "No," so she gave him a warm kiss and walked on.



The third woman , really beautiful, came up to him and said:


"Have you ever been screwed?"




The fellow perked up and said "No" .....



She said:




"You will be when the tide comes in."



Hey, I just pass 'em on. Don't shoot the messenger.

[CygnusX1]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway, in
rural southern West Virginia, on the opening day of deer season.

They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them.

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession
came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat,
and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past.

Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed:

"Wow! That was the most sportsman-like act I've ever seen! You
allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion
and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

"You are a great humanitarian, and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded in agreement, and said:



"Well, we were married for 42 years."

[Walkinghairball]

Ouch!!!

[CygnusX1]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house
for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the
mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions
and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy
get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends
begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl
says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything
on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

(The mother is past surprised and shocked now.)

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And" (the little girl says triumphantly),"I know why you and
daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

[Walkinghairball]

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies Tony.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

[awip2062]

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not
happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[ElfDude]

LOL!!!!

[Big Blue Owl]

Hahaha! Oh, that hurt