By-Tor.com

I know I'm not around much. Perhaps all I'm about to write will help you understand why. I'm the type to go into a cave when faced with troubles. But I eventually come out.

After some evaluating, I find that the confidence that going to college gave me was really a false one. For the eight years I had in between high school and college, I thought that the only way I was to be happy, the only way I was to be successful was to get a degree. I thought happiness would begin only when I was working towards that goal. So for eight years, I let myself be unhappy. And through unhappiness crept in feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness. It is my understanding that those feelings bury themselves deeply and grow thick roots. My health was affected by these feelings. Depression. Migraines. Unsettled stomach. I did all the things one is to do to be happy, but I still found none. I wasn?t in school. I wasn?t a success. I was far behind everyone else. I began to settle into the fact that happiness was never going to find me. My life was going to be meaningless, with a few sunny moments thrown in there.

Then I met my husband. I believed I was being given another chance. A fresh start, with a new husband, was surely the way for happiness to come my way. But that didn?t happen. I still had depression and migraines. I was not happy. I felt so worthless that I did not believe I deserved a good husband. Worse than that, I believed he deserved someone far better than me. Yet through some miracle, the migraines lessened and then stopped. It was the perfect opportunity to finally go to college. So I did. I finally reached a goal. For you see, just enrolling in college was reaching a goal of mine, just to be well enough to go to class everyday. My philosophy on success had already started to change, although I didn?t realize it at the time. But I was doing what I was supposed to do. Everyone I knew was actually proud of me. My grades were excellent, without even trying too terribly hard. My professors were noticing me. I started to feel like I was somebody.

My self-esteem began to rise. I see now that it was only because others were acknowledging me. It had nothing to do with who I was, only with what I was doing. With a college education, surely I would then be worthy of my husband and the life I live with him. And since I was on the path to getting a degree, perhaps I was now a little worthier than before. I couldn?t realize that no matter what, I deserved a good husband and a happy life. I was worthy before I even knew who my husband was. I could not see that. I had to prove myself to everyone, even those whom I could never please. And I thought I was pleasing myself.

Then the 2nd worst summer of my life happened. When one?s self-esteem is built on false pretenses, it?s rather fragile. Going back to Mississippi and dealing with my husband?s parents revealed just how fragile my self-esteem was. In weeks, or even days, I was reduced back to the worthless nobody I felt I was before going to school. The entire world I had made for myself in the past year crumbled. In fact, I was worse off than before. I had seen a glimpse of esteem from those whom I thought I needed to be esteemed, and then it was taken back furiously.

I started the next semester. Unhappy. Feeling worthless. My marriage was in shambles, very slowly rebuilding. For a while I put my self-esteem on hold. It did not take long for the affects of feelings of insignificance began to show in my performance.

Apathy took root. I was struggling to keep my marriage together and that was all. I still managed to do well in school, but my attendance was not what it should have been. I just didn?t care. Migraines came back.

I then realized that I needed to build my self-esteem. And this time it had to be rock-solid. Not only did I begin to understand that I was a worthy person simply because I was a person, but I also figured out that I didn?t even want to be in school. It?s not that I didn?t have goals. My goals were simpler than what I thought they had to be. To be a good wife and one day mother and to make some money in a simple job that allowed me time to enjoy writing and reading?those were my true goals. It was nothing lofty and certainly nothing that required a degree.

I needed time to soak all this in, and school did not make time for that. So I quit. I acknowledge the fact that I am lucky in many ways. I had the luxury of quitting school, not working, and taking time to reflect. I fully appreciate being able to take advantage of this luxury.

So that?s what I?m doing until the New Year, when I?ll start working again. I?m finding my self-worth and creating my own happiness. And not only am I better for it, but my marriage is too. Hubby and I will be just fine. It?s almost surreal how quickly happiness can happen, once you stop waiting for it to come to you?and once you stop trying to please everyone else.

It?s not all that easy. I?m not on solid ground yet. I get shaken up pretty easily still. However, I am growing stronger. These things take time.

Mermaid of the Lunar Sea wrote:I know I'm not around much. I'm the type to go into a cave when faced with troubles. But I eventually come out.

We are all glad you did! Come out that is, not go in! You've been missed!

Mermaid of the Lunar Sea wrote:Not only did I begin to understand that I was a worthy person simply because I was a person.

Here here, Mermaid! I am so glad you learned that because we've all known that about you for a long long time.

Mermaid thank you for sharing and it is good to see you moving in a direction that brings you peace of mind and better relations with the hubby. It is always good to see you around ByTor and I hope things continue to improve for you.
Mermaid you are special and valuable because you are a unique individual and your worth is not a result any thing you do or achieve. Don't let others dictate what you should be or do, only you can know that. No achievement is worth your physical and mental health and your relationships. You are creative, intelligent and talented and you will find a way to apply those qualities without making yourself miserable in the process.
I know these sound like simply cliches but believe me Mermaid they are lessons I have had to learn and am still in the process of learning. I spent a great part of my 43 years trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and determine my self worth by how I viewed my self through everyone else's eyes. As a result I set my self up to constant failure and disappointment. I cheated my family and myself out of a large period of enjoyment from this adventure called life that is all too brief. I am still working through some of these issues and learning to accept my limitations and differences of perspective. I just want to tell you that if you are learning the things you are, you are getting an education that is far superior to the information obtained from a school. School can teach you about life but it can not live for you.
Hang it there and remember that no matter what happens you are special here at ByTor, feel free to swin in the Cyber Sea anytime.

In a way, how I grew up keeps me from feeling like that. At an early age, I learned that the only person in this world that I need to answer too, impress, please, etc. is me. Some people may look at this as being conceited, or self-centered, but it's a bit more involved than that. I've changed that stance a tad over the last few year due to the birth of my son, but I still believe that in most cases, I have to take care of myself, be the person I want to be before anything else. It's not that I don't care about those around me, just that I think if I let myself go in favor of someone else, then my ability to be there for that someone else will be short lived. Basically, I'll bend for those I care about, but will not break.

I believe that I'm this way due to my father, who was an extreme alcoholic. I don't normally tell people this, not because I'm ashamed of it (at it was his problem, not mine), but because I don't want their pity or sympathy. When sober, my father was the greatest dad anyone could ask for. Totally devoted to my mother, and his children; however, as the years went on, the sober days were few and far between. And at the end, he was never sober. My father wasn't a physically abusive drunk...never laid a hand on my mother, sister, or myself, but he was emotionally abusive. The drinking also kept him away from home, which wasn't a bad thing when he was drunk. I can't count the times he promised that he was going to be somewhere such as one of my baseball games, only to leave me standing in the outfield scanning the stands for someone who never showed up. I became very closed off, and didn't allow people to get close emotionally to me, afraid that they were just going to forget about me too. But my turning point started at my high school graduation. I walked across the stage, got my diploma, looked into the audience, saw my mother, sister, my uncle (who is more like a brother to me, and ships out to Iraq tomorrow), and a few cousins....but no father. The biggest event in my life, and he could walk away from his beer can long enough to come. Later that night, after we got home, he finally staggered in, and I was waiting for him. Up until this point, I never waited for him to come home drunk...I had always hid from him. I would always be on the defensive side of the argument that was destined to break out. Not this time. He barely got into the door, when I was nose to nose with him, telling him just how worthless I thought he was, and how I wouldn't cross the street to piss on him if he was on fire. He swung at me, catching me totally off-guard, and hit me squarely on the left temple. It took me a second or two to figure out what had happened, and what I wanted my next more to be, but while trying to decide, my mind just turned off. I saw black, and don't remeber a thing until I 'woke up' with one knee in the middle of his back and pounding on him with my fists. He was knocked out cold, but it still took me a few moments to stop hitting him, and all the time, I feel like I taking the 'demons' he put in me, and beating them into him. Needless to say, we didn't speak for quite some time after that. I moved out that night, went to live with my Aunt for the summer, and started at LSU in the fall. After a year of college, I decided I need a break from school, so I went to my National Guard unit, got the neccessary info needed to get out of the Guard so that I could go active duty Navy. When it was time for me to graduate from Navy boot camp, I invited just about everyone in my family to come, except for my father (at this point, it was almost two years since we last spoke). Due to one reason or another, none of my family could come, so here I am, getting those feelings of being alone, of nobody caring. Graduation day came, and I'm standing on the parade grounds with my company, listening to some Admiral go on and on about the Navy, when I look in the stands, and spot my father. It seems that my sister told him, and he decided that for once, he needed to be somewhere other than a barroom. Well, after we graduated and were given our weekend liberty passes, he came over to me, made small talk, and wanted me to meet him that evening for dinner. I agreed, even though I had no intention of showing up. This was my final step in shedding his shadow. Now it was my turn to leave him alone. I didn't go to dinner, and didn't see him again for almost 5 years.

After the first Gulf War, I got out of the Navy, and went back to LSU. Feeling pretty good about myself, being only 23 and totally self sufficiant, or so I thought. In July of '92, one of my cousins got married (the other releative who's like a brother to me), and at the wedding, I saw my father again. We really didn't speak, but I got some of the old feelings of being second rate, of not being good enough again. I had drove my bike to the wedding, and when it was time to leave, I went outside, put on my helmet, and started up my bike. I was just about to back it out when I saw my father coming out of the reception hall, gesturing to me. I shut the bike off (Harley's are fairly loud) and took off my helmet. When I did this, the only thing my father said to me was, "Get rid of the bike, it's going to kill you" (he was an ex-biker who almost died in a bike wreck many years before this). I didn't respond, just put my helmet back on, started the bike back up, and left.

Now many things had happened to my father since I went into the Navy. My mother finally divorced him, then remarried after a year (second straw). My sister gave up on him, and moved out (third straw), and two weeks after my cousin's wedding, his father died (final straw). We should have known something was really wrong when my father didn't show up for the funeral, but just wrote it off as yet another case of booze being more important to him. Well, two weeks later, I get a call from my mother; my father is dead. Shot himself. I didn't shed a tear, didn't feel any sense of loss, and didn't really care. I decided to go to the funeral out of no other reason other than it was expected of me, even though most of my family would have understood if I didn't go. I hopped onto my bike (at this point in my life, I only drove my Mustang when it rained), and headed to New Orleans for the funeral. When I was about 10 miles from the Causeway (the bridge you have to cross from my neck of the woods to get to New Orleans), something felt wrong with my bike. At this point, time started moving at a snail's pace. I remember looking down and seeing my front tire go down and start to split. I remember looking at my speedometer, and seeing the needle up over 65. I remember saying, "Oh, shit." The tire blew, the fork cocked to the left, and the bike and I went down. I felt my ribs crack, I felt my head hit hard, and I while I was sliding down the interstate on my left side (losing yards of skin) I was thinking that I don't remember looking in my mirrors before going down, and didn't know if anything was behind me. Wanting to know if I was about to be hit by a car, I tried to turn on my other side to see behind me. Big mistake. Now I'm not sliding down the interstate, I'm flipping. Before I come to a full stop, I feel my left leg break, my left wrist, and right arm.

I don't remember much until I wake up in the hospital. Lying there in the bed, I have time to reflect on what happened. Then a strange thought comes into my head...My fathers last words to me were, "Get rid of the bike, it's going to kill you", and on my way to his funeral, it almost kills me. In fact if I hadn't worn my helmet that day (which I didn't do half the time), I would have been dead, because now the left side of my helmet looks like a hard boiled egg after you crack it on the counter. Now I'm not a person to believe in fate, destiny, etc., and assumed no predetermined releationship between my father's last words, and my wreck. However, that event freed me totally. His last words to me were out of caring, not wanting to see me hurt or dead. It took 23 years, but in the end he cared about me.

Today, I'm still very closed off, and put myself before everyone save my son (and wife to some degree). But if there's one thing I do know, and think everyone should subscribe too is, there's only one person you have to answer too, only one person you have to please; that's you. The rest fo the world is optional. I say this to you Mermaid, not because the problems are the same, but because the solution may be the same. I don't think we actually set goals for ourself, we set them for what we think the world around us wants, and it cannot be that way. In the end, it has to be about what you want.

Mermaid, probably took a lot of guts to make that realization, we are all prod of you here

and all i can say about your story By-tor is, wow

I know we like to pick on you By-tor but that really sucks and its shitty that it all happened...emotional abuse to me was worse than any physical abuse I ever endured...emotional abuse allways leaves scars

there's only one person you have to answer too, only one person you have to please; that's you....

Well said

I'm floored and full of respect for both. I've got snippets of both experiences in my background. Please know you're special! (Not that you need it from me! )

Mermaid, long post, but worth it. Yours too, By-Tor.

Sorry I didn't reply yesterday. My Internet was acting loopy.

Thanks so much to everyone who has been so supportive. It means so much to me. Your comments were special. And I really appreciate your perspective on things, by-tor. You're a good man.

I'm glad to be back on by-tor.com!

Thanks a lot for your posts. I've had a really discouraging day, so it was good timing to see some other people out there share their struggles. I may have more to say about the posts, but I'm not in the mood to "socialize" right now. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing.

We're here for ya babe. Great post.