Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A DARN GOOD EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom, making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!.....
I'm leaving you.....I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at
least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed--and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night (the ones you wouldn't eat--because you're afraid you'll put on weight!).
Anyway, the poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up. I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes--so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use (because you say they are too tight).
I also gave her the underwear (that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste). I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas (that you don't use just to annoy her), and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique (and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same)."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and--as I walked her to the door--she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
VVV
VVV
VVV
"Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? "
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom, making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!.....
I'm leaving you.....I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at
least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed--and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night (the ones you wouldn't eat--because you're afraid you'll put on weight!).
Anyway, the poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up. I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes--so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use (because you say they are too tight).
I also gave her the underwear (that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste). I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas (that you don't use just to annoy her), and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique (and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same)."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and--as I walked her to the door--she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:
VVV
VVV
VVV
"Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use? "
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
here's a nugget along the lines of "Office Space"
watch and listen loud if you can load it:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v102/ ... e_0001.flv
watch and listen loud if you can load it:
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v102/ ... e_0001.flv
Don't start none...won't be none.
My mom sent me this:
Southernness
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got t rouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," .... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, . all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a br eakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southernness
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got t rouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," .... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, . all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a br eakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Onward and Upward!
Note: REAL Southern sweet tea is not SUGAR IN COLD TEA.....awip2062 wrote:I didn't write it, I just passed it along like my mom did.
Sweet tea though....mmmmmm...one guy that takes a turn periodically cooking dindin at church on Wednesday nights always makes us sweet tea.
ya gotta BOIL IT MAN!!!! put that sugar in there HOT...
NOW ya got it....mmmmmmmyummy
Don't start none...won't be none.