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The Joke thread
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Walkinghairball
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An elderly couple recently celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary and one night they had their friends (another elderly couple) round to the house for dinner.
The man who celebrated his anniversary said to his friend, "the wife and I had a really nice meal in that new restaurant in town to celebrate our 65 years married."
At that moment, the two ladies get up and take all the dirty plates away through to the kitchen to wash them.
"That's nice," said his friend. "What was the name of the restaurant?"
The man thought for a moment then asked his friend, "What is the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorny stem?"
"Rose" replied his friend.
The man then kindly shouted through to his wife, "Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we were in a few nights ago?"
The man who celebrated his anniversary said to his friend, "the wife and I had a really nice meal in that new restaurant in town to celebrate our 65 years married."
At that moment, the two ladies get up and take all the dirty plates away through to the kitchen to wash them.
"That's nice," said his friend. "What was the name of the restaurant?"
The man thought for a moment then asked his friend, "What is the name of the flower with the red petals and the thorny stem?"
"Rose" replied his friend.
The man then kindly shouted through to his wife, "Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we were in a few nights ago?"
Bassist of Joe's Band
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trek.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, but
she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around (and return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses).
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained--and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return
drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her:
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trek.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, but
she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around (and return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses).
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained--and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return
drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her:
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Don't start none...won't be none.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her aw! ay in ma rriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
---------------! -------- -------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,
"Take the poison."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A SMALL WHITE DOT
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that ," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted ; daddy had a heart attack , and the boy next door joined the Navy.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her aw! ay in ma rriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
---------------! -------- -------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,
"Take the poison."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A SMALL WHITE DOT
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something 'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that ," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing' one. Mommy fainted ; daddy had a heart attack , and the boy next door joined the Navy.
Happy 2015!