I'm kidding HB. I can't talk. I'm on the peoples' dime, so I gotta go as
well.
Later Brudda!
Political or semi-political ha ha's
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
The Lie Clock
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Chairman O's clock?", asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office...He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Chairman O's clock?", asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office...He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when BHO comes on
TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking
the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
The guy gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and
says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face,
knocking him off his bar stool yet again.
He gets back up and looks understandingly at the bartender.
"I take it this is Obama Country?"
"Nope," replies the bartender.
"Horse country."
TV. The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking
the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.
The guy gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and
says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face,
knocking him off his bar stool yet again.
He gets back up and looks understandingly at the bartender.
"I take it this is Obama Country?"
"Nope," replies the bartender.
"Horse country."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California, when suddenly - a brand new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give
me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure...Why not..."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location - which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay...why not..."
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked...
"You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how
working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep... give me back my dog, you idiot."
pasture in California, when suddenly - a brand new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give
me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure...Why not..."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location - which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay...why not..."
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get
paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked...
"You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how
working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep... give me back my dog, you idiot."
Don't start none...won't be none.
***THIS IS A BY-TOR NEWS ALERT***
***THIS JUST IN TO THE BY-TOR NEWS DESK***
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers"
rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health
Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make
this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week.
I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal, which is named:
"CASH FOR CODGERS"
It works like this:
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the
delivery of a newborn child will be required to turn in one old person.
The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a
sliding scale.
Older and more prescription-dependent codgers will garner the highest
amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted
groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their
government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried
foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection.
(This will insure that they are not secretly resold, or their body parts
harvested to keep other codgers in repair.)
Remember: You saw it HERE first!
***THIS HAS BEEN A BY-TOR NEWS ALERT.
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY
SCHEDULED THREAD PROGRAMMING.***
***THIS JUST IN TO THE BY-TOR NEWS DESK***
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers"
rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health
Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make
this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week.
I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal, which is named:
"CASH FOR CODGERS"
It works like this:
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the
delivery of a newborn child will be required to turn in one old person.
The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a
sliding scale.
Older and more prescription-dependent codgers will garner the highest
amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted
groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their
government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried
foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection.
(This will insure that they are not secretly resold, or their body parts
harvested to keep other codgers in repair.)
Remember: You saw it HERE first!
***THIS HAS BEEN A BY-TOR NEWS ALERT.
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY
SCHEDULED THREAD PROGRAMMING.***
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:28 am, edited 2 times in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.
LETTER FROM THE BOSS:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barack Obama is our President, and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices will have to increase by
about ten percent.
However, since we cannot increase our prices right now (due to the
dismal state of the economy), we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees, instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here,
and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go, so this is what I
did:
I walked through our parking lots and found sixty "Obama" bumperstickers
on our employees' cars, and have decided that these folks will be
the ones to be terminated.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change, and I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Respectfully,
THE BOSS
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that
Barack Obama is our President, and that our taxes and government fees
will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices will have to increase by
about ten percent.
However, since we cannot increase our prices right now (due to the
dismal state of the economy), we will have to lay off sixty of our
employees, instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here,
and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go, so this is what I
did:
I walked through our parking lots and found sixty "Obama" bumperstickers
on our employees' cars, and have decided that these folks will be
the ones to be terminated.
I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change, and I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
Respectfully,
THE BOSS
Don't start none...won't be none.
One day a Florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied:
"I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a police officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied:
"I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied:
"I can't accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up, waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied:
"I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The Florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a police officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied:
"I can't accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."
The policeman was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
"thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied:
"I can't accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up, waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
So it ended up the Lockerbie bomber had terminal cancer. Now, if you have a terrorist expected to die in three month, I see basically five option:
1. Laugh at him like Nelson Muntz.
2. Say you?re giving him chemo, but just give him lots lots of laxatives.
3. Do the merciful thing and strap a bomb to him, launch him in the air with a slingshot, and watch him explode.
4. Let him go back to Libya to be greeted as a hero for his savagery? where he explodes from a bomb hidden inside him.
5. Same as option four but no hidden bomb.
Scotland unfortunately went with option five. I say we declare war on them for extreme stupidity that is an insult to all nations who don?t like murder. If you can?t take terrorists seriously, maybe a war is just what you need to serious you up.
And no more letting you try terrorists. We have giant slingshots and explosives here and are ready to use them.
(stolen from http://www.imao.us/index.php/2009/08/wh ... terrorist/)
1. Laugh at him like Nelson Muntz.
2. Say you?re giving him chemo, but just give him lots lots of laxatives.
3. Do the merciful thing and strap a bomb to him, launch him in the air with a slingshot, and watch him explode.
4. Let him go back to Libya to be greeted as a hero for his savagery? where he explodes from a bomb hidden inside him.
5. Same as option four but no hidden bomb.
Scotland unfortunately went with option five. I say we declare war on them for extreme stupidity that is an insult to all nations who don?t like murder. If you can?t take terrorists seriously, maybe a war is just what you need to serious you up.
And no more letting you try terrorists. We have giant slingshots and explosives here and are ready to use them.
(stolen from http://www.imao.us/index.php/2009/08/wh ... terrorist/)
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
