Political or semi-political ha ha's

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:53 am

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the hog farmer.

The hog farmer takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The prostitute runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States government is doing business today.

Xanadu · Post by **Xanadu** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:54 am

Good one.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 10:15 am

tanks.

zepboy · Post by **zepboy** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 9:10 am

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement
from an American Airlines pilot: "On our flight today, we
will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an idea of how
high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire State
buildings stacked one on top the other.

"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just
over the muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."

"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200
turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with
altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than
the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives."

"In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more
powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings
in a single bound, and as always, your Dallas based crew
stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way!"

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 12:52 pm

^^^^

Verrah kewel.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:39 am

^^^

^^^

The Last Request

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S.M.C.
Gunnery (Gunny) Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Afghanistan.

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last
request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the
streets.

Katie Couric said, "Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of
fried chicken."

The leader nodded to an underling, who left, then returned with the
chicken.

Couric ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Charlie Gibson said, "I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song
'The Moon and Me' one last time."

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist, who had studied the
Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end - I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe this scene and what's about to happen.
Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'till
the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Williams
dictated his comments.

He then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and asked, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?

"I want you to kick me square in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader, "Do you dare mock us in your last hour of life?"

"Negative...I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick in the ass as hard as you
can," insisted the Marine.

The leader himself shoved the Marine into the yard, and kicked him in
the ass so hard the Marine flew 10 feet away.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a NATO
Sig/Sauer pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader right
in the chest. He was dead before he even hit the ground.

In the resulting chaos, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then, with
his folding knife, slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which
he took from a dead jihadist nearby, sprayed the rest of the terrorists
by emptying the magazine, killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead - or begging Allah for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him,
in unison:

"Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him
to kick you in the ass?"

"What...." Replied the Marine, "and have you three assholes report that
I was the aggressor?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:37 pm

^^^^

That was a great read.

Sir Myghin · Post by **Sir Myghin** » Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:19 pm

That was good cyg!

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 5:58 am

Thankyeeew....I'll be playing the Motel 6 Uptown all next
weekend.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:00 am

This is a fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time, in a land far away,

A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog - as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted
pond in a verdant meadow near her castle...

The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said:

"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince
until a evil witch cast a spell upon me...One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the
dapper, young prince that I am."

"And then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle...with my mother...
where you can prepare meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children, and feel grateful and happy in
doing so."

That night, as the princess dined on lightly saut?ed
frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream
sauce, she chuckled, then thought to herself:

"I don't f***ing think so."

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:39 am

Southern "rules" for FL, GA, SC, NC, VA, and the rest of the South are as
follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel" road. I drive a pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna
get dust on your Lexus. Drive it - or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like
money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-64 go east and
west, I-95 & I-85 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the rural South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of deer or turkey are comin' in
during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of
age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the Chef's Salad - and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!

Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in the rest of the country call
that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "Coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know
how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants,
the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more
fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it
spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that God-awful car stereo! That thumpity-thump shit ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
your boxer shorts. Refer back to rule #1.

Xanadu · Post by **Xanadu** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 9:30 am

Some rules for the Ghetto south:

1. Make sure your pants are below your waist...or you will look like an idiot.

2. Wearing a hat will make women assume you are bald.

3. So you haul lumber in your truck, no cop is going to pull you over for that. We're not impressed. We haul contraband in our cars all the time.

4. NOBODY in the ghetto waves...unless you're flagging down your dealer. And don't look at anyone, that's starting shit.

5. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, it better be dank, not laced, no stems, and weigh right.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 11:29 am

^^^

Well done! There's always two sides to any issue.

But they should still pull their pants up anyway.

I'll bet their parents are so proud...

My kid would get a size 12 up the ass if he walked in like that.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Mon Jul 20, 2009 10:43 am

B. Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local pub:

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,

"I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me
to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

To the brunette - he asked the same question.

Her reply was, "$100."

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was:

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

"Mr. President...if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes....

....my panties as low as my wages....

....get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep
it rising - like the price of gas....

....keep me warmer than it is in my apartment....

....and screw me the way that you screw retirees...

...then it isn't going to cost you a damn dime."

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Mon Jul 20, 2009 12:18 pm

^^^^

Just shared the above with my work crew.

Laughs aplenty.