The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The blonde kept
staring at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls"
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The blonde kept
staring at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls"
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'! We missed the 'R'!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, Kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line up. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted,"that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath He came up choking on water, he was laughing
so hard. (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, Kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line up. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words "Give me all your money or I'll shoot",
the man shouted,"that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath He came up choking on water, he was laughing
so hard. (NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!?!
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
This isn't a joke but something to consider
You would think the Dealerships would require verification first.
The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN # from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN #.
I didn't believe this e-mail, so I called a friend at Chrysler Dodge and pretended I had lost my keys. They told me to just bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I could order the keyless device if I wanted. The Car Dealer's Parts Department will make a duplicate key from the VIN #, and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local Chop Shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it? It IS that easy.
!
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape (electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN Metal Label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals another car or truck.
I slipped a 3 x 5 card over the VIN
You would think the Dealerships would require verification first.
The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN # from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN #.
I didn't believe this e-mail, so I called a friend at Chrysler Dodge and pretended I had lost my keys. They told me to just bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I could order the keyless device if I wanted. The Car Dealer's Parts Department will make a duplicate key from the VIN #, and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn't have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local Chop Shop with your vehicle.
You don't believe it? It IS that easy.
!
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape (electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN Metal Label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN, but you can cover it so it can't be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.
I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals another car or truck.
I slipped a 3 x 5 card over the VIN
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Gas Prices Rise Again.
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
FEMALE COMPASSION...
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever
been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever
been f****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in".
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
