By-Tor.com

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

Good one t! cute, clean AND politically correct

except the reference to abuse of animals and the elderly....any input on this travesty? DA? Anybody?

LMAO

You mean you don't treat your cats (or MIL) that way, Siggs!??!?!?

Man! You don't know what you are missing! *wink*

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The

animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried

to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the

animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up

anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help

him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel

dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what

was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's

amazement he quieted down.


A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked

down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With

each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was

doing something amazing. He would shake it off and

take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of

the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped

up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take

a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can

get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never

giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had

tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got

infected, and the farmer

eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your

ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."


"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"


"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."


"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me."


"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."


"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."


"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "


"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"


"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."


"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."


"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."


"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I
miss him!"


"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"


"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"

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(AND THE BEST ONE)

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
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longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"


The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and
went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

SWEET!!!

I had a few of them in my e-mails to purge.

cool....I gotta dust offa summa mine too...

MARINES

There are two things Marines are always taught:

1. Keep your priorities in order.
2. Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor (a vowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U.) was teaching his college class.

He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that, once and for all, he was going to prove that there was no God.

Addressing the ceiling he shouted: ?GOD, if you are real, then knock me off this platform. I?ll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!?

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.

?I?m waiting God, if you?re real, knock me off this platform!!!? Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, ?Here I am, God!! I?m still waiting!!!?

His count down got down to the last couple minutes, when a Marine--who was just released from the Corps--after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, and had newly registered for the class--walked up to the Professor.

The Marine hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also?waiting...

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked: ?What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?

The Marine said:

?God was really busy protecting America?s soldiers--who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an ass. So?He sent me.?

Yes, we need more fine Americans like that. And I'm not joking.

yep...no joking brah...

Well, G-d says he uses men to do His work here, eh? LOL

I think my mom might have done that if any of her profs ever made that challenge. She's Army, but she's tough and never backed down from a fight.