Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 2:15 pm
LOL! How true is that!
Page 48 of 163
Posted: Thu May 18, 2006 2:19 pm
ROTF I know...I have 'friends' like that...some friends huh?
Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 6:33 am
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical infor! mation pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, y! ou will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina&nbs! p;
Colads and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh?t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical infor! mation pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, y! ou will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in
the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina&nbs! p;
Colads and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh?t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 6:36 am
.....they were funnyPosted: Mon May 22, 2006 6:40 am
I liked the genie one best, but all good. 
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 6:38 am
How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plow?
....Give her a shovel.
....Give her a shovel.
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 9:13 am
fuck right off!! 
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 10:02 am
ah...that was harsh.....here's one even HARSHER....
The Family Rodeo
This occurs when a guy's behind his girl doing the dirty deed, then the guy mutters that her (his partner's) sister is better in bed....
Then he attempts to hold on for another 8 seconds...
IknowIknow....that's just wrong
The Family Rodeo
This occurs when a guy's behind his girl doing the dirty deed, then the guy mutters that her (his partner's) sister is better in bed....
Then he attempts to hold on for another 8 seconds...
IknowIknow....that's just wrong
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 12:46 pm
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 1:49 pm
Walkinghairball wrote:How do you turn a dish washer into a snow plow?
....Give her a shovel.
YEAH BOY
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 1:51 pm
not a good idea.....shovels can become weapons too fast.
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 1:55 pm
very true MK.....very true
Posted: Tue May 23, 2006 10:20 pm
I hated to sound like a chauvenist swine with that joke, but dang........ 
Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 3:33 am
How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital
How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard
Why do men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why
You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as "used"
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A man.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated
He thinks "harass" is two words
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital
How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard
Why do men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why
You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
The female brains are sold as "used"
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Women are indeed silly, we sleep with men, who if they were women, we wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A man.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated
Posted: Wed May 24, 2006 6:53 am
Touche.