By-Tor.com

THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE YOU BUY A TASER...
Stun gun....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This
was submitted by
a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser"
for their
anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it
could not be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting
the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute
really and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to
myself, "no possible
way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I
will do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
cat was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to her, "Do it again, do it
again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I cannot be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I am still looking for my testicles? I
am offering a
significant reward for their safe return.

yikes.....and he lived to tell about it! urrr....

PEOPLE & THEIR DRINKS


A recent magazine survey interviewed fifty bartenders, and they were asked if they could identify a customer?s personality on what drinks they ordered?

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:


If Women Drink ...

Beer


Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Cocktails or Blender Drinks w/Umbrella


Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.


Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda


Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she?ll send YOU a drink.


Water


Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Approach: Don?t.



Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask)


Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.


Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.


Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.

Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you?re in.


Cape Velvet


Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.

Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.


Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)


Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.

Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......



IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)


Cider: He?s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.


Cheap Domestic Beer: He?s poor/student and wants to get laid.


Castle Lager Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He?s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.


Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid.


Wine: He?s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image--and help him get laid.


Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.


Port: Thinks he?s sophisticated, secretly likes men--and wants to get laid.


Whisky: He doesn?t give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way--of getting laid.


Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)--to weasel himself into getting laid.


Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting--almost as much as getting laid.

CygnusX1 wrote:

If Women Drink ...

Beer

Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.



Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she?ll send YOU a drink.




Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.) usually when I'm drunk already..

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.

Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait.......

This is my drinking habits LOL

as for the men's .... so true

lol schu...you're a naughty little mynx

LOOK!!! A Quarter Horse!

good shorty:

two male dogs are running down a gravel road, the lead dog throwing dirt and gravel on the trailing dog...the lead dog says: "Ain't this a bitch?"








the trailing dog says: "It'd BETTER be"

hahahaha

live and laff schu....cya

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for taking a dump at work:

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.

No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a machine gun. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.

This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you out. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist.

Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.)
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an O.O.T.C.P. enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm.

Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P.
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident.

This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of O.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.

If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident.

If you feel a Watermelon coming on while someone else is in the
bathroom, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars.

Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied.

If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
in conjunction with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Please study this Survival Guide and implement them into your daily
routine

I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South.

I challenge any so-called "Smart Yankee" to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound oppossum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drank before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE," here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order.

When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

There was a young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

sw-eeeeet!

NEWS RELEASE!

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu,
George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.