By-Tor.com

The Trooper




A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US 165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.


The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if he driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle
The Trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit
them and handed them to him.


While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old boy, from Arkansas, got out, watched the performance, then
went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him and went ov! er to the patrol car, opened the
door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.


The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

OMFG!!!!!!!!! me too!!!!!!!

This is really funny but then again maybe not if your on the recieving end

<http://www.tinyurl.com/4yx2z>

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

Ey, boss i not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work.

The boss says:

You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls:

Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.

That was a great joke Leon.............

Here's one............

WOMAN ON A FISHING BOAT


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"


"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")


"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.


"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."


"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.


"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment"


"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.


MORAL:

NEVER argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also THINK.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

Ahhh, "breast" and "stroke"..... my all-time favourite juxtaposition.

Here's an E-Mail I just got from my sister's best friend, I thought we should all share............................... It answers a lot of things.

Nutrition and Heart Attacks

For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health from Oprah. It's a relief to know the truth after all conflicting medical
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

LOL Good one! I think I will finish learning Dutch and forget about the English use now.

No hablas Ingles...

Hey Kares, what did you just saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasrrgh........................

BRO! Someone call 9-1-1!

>ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
>
>1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
>
>2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.
>
>3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
>
>4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
>
>5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS 00ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
>
>6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
>
>7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
>
>8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
>
>9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
>
>10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
>
>11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
>
>12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
>CHEESE.
>
>13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
>
>14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
>
>15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
>
>16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
>
>17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
>
>18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
>
>19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
>
>20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
>
>21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
>
>22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
>
>23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
>
>24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
>
>25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
>
>26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
>
>27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
>
>28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
>
>29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
>
>30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
>
>31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
>
>32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
>
>33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
>
>34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
>
>35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
>
>36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
>HAPPENED.
>
>37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
>
>38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR
>BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."