The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Being T that request is in the joke thread and warranted that Doctor's have huge egos. Be as it may all of egos increasing in such kind company as each other, you must know we are not swingers.
As far as driving my new car Leon...I don't think so I got it up to 123 mph today 
smooth as silk baby. I did however have a bit of grease under the left front tire well, most likely a grease fitting. At those high speeds got to keep everything right and tight. Having plenty of pedal left, I got to find me a long stretch early in the morning around donut time, just to see if it will top out at 160.
To infinity and beyond.........
As far as driving my new car Leon...I don't think so
I got it up to 123 mph today smooth as silk baby. I did however have a bit of grease under the left front tire well, most likely a grease fitting. At those high speeds got to keep everything right and tight. Having plenty of pedal left, I got to find me a long stretch early in the morning around donut time, just to see if it will top out at 160.To infinity and beyond.........
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Dude.......... you said I could, just no Jagermeister.Me wrote:
As far as driving my new car Leon...I don't think so
To infinity and beyond.........
*Stomps feet and wails like a baby while walking away and looking back for approval every so many feet*
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
This space for rent
Under the Table
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man
was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman
acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining
across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking
the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman
calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man
was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman
acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining
across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking
the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman
calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A trainning session for investigation was held in Virginia for various agencies and at the end an exercise was held. A white bunny was released into the wild and two representatives from different agencies
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".
were sent in to apprehend it. Two personnel from the CIA went after their bunny and returned in ten minutes. Then two representatives from the FBI went into the woods and returned an hour later with their bunny. Then two Bronx homicide detectives were sent into the woods to apprehend their bunny and the hours went by......finally 5 hours later the two Bronx homicide detectives reappear. One is dragging a bear by the scruff of his neck and the other detective is kicking the bear in the balls and the bear is yelling "O.K.....I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny".
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
> >As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange
> >buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
> >daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
> >
> >
> >
> >Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" the daughter
>replied:
> >"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as
>close
> >as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
> >
> >
> >
> >The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other
> >side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> >daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what
>she
> >was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
> >thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
>and
> >leave me alone."
> >
> >
> >
> >A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
>the
> >groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of
>all
> >places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on
>the
> >couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next
>to
> >him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
> >
> >
> >
> >The wife asked "What the hell are you doing?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The husband replied "I'm watching football with my son in law"
strange
> >buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her
> >daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
> >
> >
> >
> >Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" the daughter
>replied:
> >"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as
>close
> >as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
> >
> >
> >
> >The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other
> >side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
> >daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what
>she
> >was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
> >thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
>and
> >leave me alone."
> >
> >
> >
> >A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
>the
> >groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of
>all
> >places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on
>the
> >couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the tv. The vibrator was next
>to
> >him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
> >
> >
> >
> >The wife asked "What the hell are you doing?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The husband replied "I'm watching football with my son in law"
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Golf Accident
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of
them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one
of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch. She runs down to him,
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can
help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine,"
he replies quietly, hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to
help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his
privates. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well, yes. That's feels great,"
he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of
them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one
of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch. She runs down to him,
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can
help ease his pain. "No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine,"
he replies quietly, hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to
help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his
privates. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks. "Well, yes. That's feels great,"
he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
This space for rent
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
>
>
>
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> My tire was thumping.
> I thought it was flat
>
> When I looked at the tire...
>
> I noticed your cat.
>
> Sorry!
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Heard your wife left you,
> How upset you must be.
>
> But don't fret about it...
>
> She moved in with me.
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Looking back over the years
> that we've been together,
>
> I can't help but wonder...
>
> "What the hell was I thinking?"
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Congratulations on your wedding day!
> Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
> ! ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> How could two people as beautiful as you
> Have such an ugly baby?
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I've always wanted to have
> someone to hold,
> someone to love.
>
> After having met you ..
>
> I've changed my mind.
>
> --------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.
> I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
> As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
> That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>
>
> ####################################################
>
> Congratulations on your promotion.
> Before you go...
>
> Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>
> You'll probably need it again.
>
> ***********************************************************************
> *********
>
> Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
> (Available only inTennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
>
> Almost Lifelike!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> When we were together,
> you always said you'd die for me.
>
> Now that we've broken up,
>
> I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> We have been friends for a very long time ..
> let's say we stop?
>
>
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> I'm so miserable without you
> it's almost like you're here.
>
>
>
> =====================================================
>
> Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>
> Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>
>
> %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
> Your friends and I wanted to do
> something special for your birthday.
>
> So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>
>
> )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
> )))))))))))))))))))))))))
>
> So your daughter's a hooker,
> and it spoiled your day.
>
> Look at the bright side,
>
> it's really good pay.
>
>
>
>
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> My tire was thumping.
> I thought it was flat
>
> When I looked at the tire...
>
> I noticed your cat.
>
> Sorry!
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Heard your wife left you,
> How upset you must be.
>
> But don't fret about it...
>
> She moved in with me.
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Looking back over the years
> that we've been together,
>
> I can't help but wonder...
>
> "What the hell was I thinking?"
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Congratulations on your wedding day!
> Too bad no one likes your husband.
>
> ! ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> How could two people as beautiful as you
> Have such an ugly baby?
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> I've always wanted to have
> someone to hold,
> someone to love.
>
> After having met you ..
>
> I've changed my mind.
>
> --------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------------------------
>
> Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.
> I never believed in Hell until I met you.
>
>
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
> As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
> That you're not here to ruin it for me.
>
>
>
> ####################################################
>
> Congratulations on your promotion.
> Before you go...
>
> Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
>
> You'll probably need it again.
>
> ***********************************************************************
> *********
>
> Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
>
> (Available only inTennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
>
> Almost Lifelike!
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> When we were together,
> you always said you'd die for me.
>
> Now that we've broken up,
>
> I think it's time you kept your promise.
>
>
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
> //////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> We have been friends for a very long time ..
> let's say we stop?
>
>
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> I'm so miserable without you
> it's almost like you're here.
>
>
>
> =====================================================
>
> Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
>
> Did you ever find out who the father was?
>
>
>
> %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
>
> Your friends and I wanted to do
> something special for your birthday.
>
> So we're having you put to sleep.
>
>
>
> )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
> )))))))))))))))))))))))))
>
> So your daughter's a hooker,
> and it spoiled your day.
>
> Look at the bright side,
>
> it's really good pay.
>
A senior couple are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want
to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so
you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down,
I can
remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for
a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A senior citizen said to his old buddy: "So I hear you're getting
Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?" "Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
"Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur.
Be careful.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want
to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so
you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down,
I can
remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for
a moment and says -
"Where's my toast?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A senior citizen said to his old buddy: "So I hear you're getting
Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?" "Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
"Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a
physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur.
Be careful.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.