ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
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3 travelers
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Thanks for making me blow out that snot bubble.... you fuck!!!Walkinghairball wrote:ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
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- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
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Walkinghairball
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- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair, and opens my door. Massages my back, and begs to do more.
Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend................................... Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store and a
fishing boat................................................ Amen.
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair, and opens my door. Massages my back, and begs to do more.
Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend................................... Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store and a
fishing boat................................................ Amen.
This space for rent
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3 travelers
- Posts: 2271
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:43 pm
- Location: brooklyn, ny
A FUCKING MEN MY BRUDDAH!!!!!Walkinghairball wrote:Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed. When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair, and opens my door. Massages my back, and begs to do more.
Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend................................... Amen.
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store and a
fishing boat................................................ Amen.
LEMME SHOW YA SUMTHIN....!!!!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
LAME JOKE ALERT..............................LAME JOKE ALERT!!!
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.
This space for rent
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Walkinghairball
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- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
This space for rent
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Mr. Potatoe Head
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LMAO WHB
Just so By-Tor don't get home sick
SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS
(and just plain good advice)
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral..
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the
paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls
two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended. (This rule should be followed
when attending a church service too.)
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen..
Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession
Just so By-Tor don't get home sick
SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS
(and just plain good advice)
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's
rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral..
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the
paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done
in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls
two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended. (This rule should be followed
when attending a church service too.)
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen..
Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
Baby Joke
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!", the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
"The Headache"
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years! "the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe
was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size
34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe
was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years! "the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit
perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe
was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business
60 years.
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size
34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS