The Joke thread

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:52 pm

Raiden wrote:That's been posted already.

Evil indeed.

I thought it was, but I laughed so hard - up it went again.

My bad.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 9:09 am

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night
waiting for her date....

She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she
accidentally farts louder than a diesel truck air horn - just as the waiter
walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced; knowing everyone in
the place heard her....turns to the waiter and demands:

"Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly, and says:

"Sure lady, which way is it headed?"

schuette · Post by **schuette** » Thu Jun 11, 2009 10:35 am

another good one

YYZ30 · Post by **YYZ30** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 7:31 am

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Fri Jun 12, 2009 7:38 am

^^^^

schuette · Post by **schuette** » Thu Jun 18, 2009 7:22 am

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:58 am

^^^

A respectable lady went into a pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide? '

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:

'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

zepboy · Post by **zepboy** » Sat Jul 04, 2009 9:04 pm

I guess this thread is a good a place as any . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&feature=fvst

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:17 am

zepboy wrote:I guess this thread is a good a place as any . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&feature=fvst

Could I get a "braille" translation for the filtered, please?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:30 am

CygnusX1 wrote:
zepboy wrote:I guess this thread is a good a place as any . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&feature=fvst
Could I get a "braille" translation for the filtered, please?

It's the, "She should have known her limits and zipped it at the dinner table" video. You know, the one in black and white with the narrator that sounds a little too enthusiastic. It's been around for a while. BBC video.

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:16 am

It's a-comin'

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in
Bozeman, Montana while waiting for their respective flights...

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third
passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana
State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim,
and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face and lights a
cigarette.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is
flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,

"At one time here... my people were many...but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,

"Once my people were few," he sneers, "And now we are many. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth, and from the darkness
beneath his Stetson says - in a smooth drawl:

"I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I
do believe it's a-comin'."

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:43 pm

CygnusX1 wrote:
zepboy wrote:I guess this thread is a good a place as any . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w&feature=fvst
Could I get a "braille" translation for the filtered, please?

Where?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Wed Jul 15, 2009 12:34 am

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to dis gust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..............

CygnusX1 · Post by **CygnusX1** » Mon Jul 20, 2009 10:33 am

^^^

Cats RULE. LMAO

Raiden · Post by **Raiden** » Mon Jul 20, 2009 2:44 pm

A guy is asked to sign his name with his favorite Bible verse underneath. He forgets what it is, so he just makes one up. His signatures read, "Tim Hawkins, Psalms 38:7".

He goes home, concerned about it because he was unsure of the verse's content. When he gets home, he looks it up.

Psalms 38:7 says, "Lo, I have a painful disease in my loins."