The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
There was this atheist walking in the forrest admiring the great work done by evolution and nature, as he was walking he was constanlty praising then in a loud voice "Look how beauty are theses trees, and thoses butterflies, wonderful colors those flowers has, how great is nature and how amusing is evolution" when suddenly from behind one of those trees came out a big hungry bear, the man scared to death forgot that he was an atheist and just when the bear was about to hit him he claimed "Oh God help me" in that exact moment the bear got frozen and everything was peaceful again, the man noticed a brilliant light next to him and a voice came from the light saying "you have lived all your life denying my existence and now that you are in danger you are claming to me, do you really think I should do something for you now?" and the man said "you are riight I don't deserve anything, but please can you make the bear to become christian?" the light replied "Ok from now on the bear will be a christian" and the light went back to heaven and everything started to move again like it was before and the bear changed that agressive look and put a happy face, bent his knees down to the ground and started to pray this way "Dear lord, I thank you for this food I am about to eat..."
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
My late Cousin and I were hunting in the Shenandoah, when we were
caught unarmed by a 500 pound black bear while we ate lunch...
As we were running as fast as we could, I heard my Cousin behind me
say in a drawl: "Dude, you know damned well we can't outrun this bear..."
I turned around and said:
"I'm not trying to outrun the bear...I'm trying to outrun you! "
caught unarmed by a 500 pound black bear while we ate lunch...
As we were running as fast as we could, I heard my Cousin behind me
say in a drawl: "Dude, you know damned well we can't outrun this bear..."
I turned around and said:
"I'm not trying to outrun the bear...I'm trying to outrun you! "
Don't start none...won't be none.
This one's just for you, Schu!
How To Get To Heaven In Scotland
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class - to see if
they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" The children hollered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "No!"
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals, gave sweeties to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "No!" loudly.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued: "Well then....how can I get into heaven?"
Six year-old Ian shouted out:
"YUV GOTTAE BE F*CKN' DEAD!"
How To Get To Heaven In Scotland
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class - to see if
they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" The children hollered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "No!"
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals, gave sweeties to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "No!" loudly.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued: "Well then....how can I get into heaven?"
Six year-old Ian shouted out:
"YUV GOTTAE BE F*CKN' DEAD!"
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness."
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied,
"He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry! Can I go home now...?"
Here is wishing you good mental health.
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness."
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied,
"He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry! Can I go home now...?"
Here is wishing you good mental health.
Don't start none...won't be none.
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar & well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me. I gave him a few pats on his head; he then
followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the
corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside &
resumed hisspot in the hall and, again, slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and
ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your dog comes to my
house for a nap.'
The next day, he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to
his collar:
"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
I could tell from his collar & well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me. I gave him a few pats on his head; he then
followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the
corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside &
resumed hisspot in the hall and, again, slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is, and
ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon, your dog comes to my
house for a nap.'
The next day, he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to
his collar:
"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Ewschuette wrote:A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know...
Take it out on someone you don't know - But you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear: "Get the right f***ing
phone number!" And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled: "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks or so, when I was paying bills - or had a really bad
day - I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our 'Caller ID Program' "
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first 'asshole' (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW 'asshole'
too:
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch,
and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you home, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening, after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes...."
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call!
Then I came up with an idea. A really evil idea:
I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah!"
He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me!"
He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, Asshole! It's a yellow
ranch, and I have a black Beamer parked in front - you asshole."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah...like I'm really scared, asshole!" and hung up.
Then I immediately called Asshole #2....
He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole!"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance...I'm coming over right
now."
That being said, I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over
there "to kill my gay lover"...
Then I called Channel 9 News about the "gang war going down on
Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax. "
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax....
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, all the while
being surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know...
Take it out on someone you don't know - But you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear: "Get the right f***ing
phone number!" And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I
had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled: "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks or so, when I was paying bills - or had a really bad
day - I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our 'Caller ID Program' "
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first 'asshole' (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW 'asshole'
too:
"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch,
and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen."
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you home, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening, after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes...."
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call!
Then I came up with an idea. A really evil idea:
I called Asshole #1.
He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah!"
He screamed, "Stop calling me!" I said, "Make me!"
He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, Asshole! It's a yellow
ranch, and I have a black Beamer parked in front - you asshole."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah...like I'm really scared, asshole!" and hung up.
Then I immediately called Asshole #2....
He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole!"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance...I'm coming over right
now."
That being said, I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over
there "to kill my gay lover"...
Then I called Channel 9 News about the "gang war going down on
Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax. "
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax....
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the shit out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, all the while
being surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
Don't start none...won't be none.