By-Tor.com

Frank Feldman - What a Bloke!


A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy .'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well......... I never actually met Frank, he died............ I married his fu#@ing widow..'

nyuck nyuck nyuck

Man walks into an adult store:

Salesman: What do you want?
Man: Inflatable doll.
Salesman: Male or female?
Man: Female
Salesman: Black or white?
Man: White
Salesman: Christian or Muslim?
Man: Why does it matter?
Salesman: The Muslim one blows itself up!

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver thermos. Fascinated by this object, she brought it to a clerk to ask what it was. ?That's a thermos,? the clerk said. ?It keeps some things hot and some things cold." "That?s amazing,? said the blonde, and bought the thermos.

When she took it to work the next day, her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos,? she answered. ?It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss asked, "What do you have in it?"

She replied, ?Soup and a popsicle.?

Soup is hot!

Hmm....I now a bunch of jokes but this is the only short one I can think of so I apologize:

What do you call a naked blonde woman standing on her head?

Brunette.

Senior Citizen's Test





It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.



Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.



OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.





1. What do you put in a toaster?























Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.



2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."

What do cows drink?





















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.







3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?





































Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks,"

Why are you still reading these???

if you said "glass," go on to Question 4.







4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?



























Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.









5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on . In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?





































Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!







Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.



PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

damn soup, I missed 2 and 5... lol

Soup had nothing to do about it.

Trippy, isn't it?

I missed 3...how gay...how would I know they meant greenhouse and not a green house when they said green[space]house...WTF? The question is fucked I say.

Xanadu wrote:I missed 3...how gay...how would I know they meant greenhouse and not a green house when they said green[space]house...WTF? The question is fucked I say.

It's a common trick question.

I missed 4 (You don't bury survivors) and 5 (I drove the cursed bus).

Shut up.

Who wants some coffee? I believe there is hot chocolate available also.

1. CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW
2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON OPEN ENJOY!
Don't forget to click on OPEN!!!

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flas ... 404_01.swf

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the, 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Oh, that was just wrong.