By-Tor.com

Aww, poor Leroy.


DOCTOR: I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live.

PATIENT: And the worse news?

DOCTOR: I forgot to call you yesterday.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Classic LOL

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO...

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND, AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO...

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO...

54. Never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring Alcohol.

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

^^^

Righteous!

Good one Owlie.



Here's one for St. Paddy's Day:


The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings:

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozeee!" a heavily accented voice says...

"This is Paddy down at the Hogshead Harp Pub in County Clare,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you Frenchies!"

"Well, Paddy," the President replies, "This is indeed important news! How
big might your army be?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "thar's meeself,
me brother Seamus, me other brother Sean, me next door neighbor
Flaherty - and the entire darts team from down the pub. That makes
eight!"

The President laughs and replies, "Paddy, you should know that I have
400,000 highly-trained and well-equipped soldiers in my army."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back..."

Sure enough, two hours later Paddy calls again:

"Frenchie, the War is still on! We have managed to get ourselves some
infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" the President asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.."

Sarkozy sighs, amused: "Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored
personnel carriers. And since you have last called, we have recruited an
additional 10,000 soldiers, bringing the total to 410,000."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day:

"Froggie, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of
double-barreled shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well, so we are 12 men now!"

After a moment, the President clears his throat:

"Paddy, I have 100 bombers and 250 fighter planes. My military bases
are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since
we last spoke, my army has grown to 450,000 men."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "Let me talk to me mates."

That afternoon, the President's phone rings once again:

"Mr. President," states Paddy, "I am sorry to inform you that we have had
to call off the war...."

"Really?" asks the President. "I'm sorry to hear that. Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
have come to the sad conclusion that there's no fookin' way that we can
feed 450,000 French prisoners of war."

Hahahaha! Thanks for that one, Cyg.

Humor for lexophiles ...........


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.



Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting arest.



Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.



The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work



To write with a broken pencil is pointless.



When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.



The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.



A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.



Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.



We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.



When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.



The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.



The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground



The dead batteries were given out free of charge.



If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.



A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.



A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.



A will is a dead giveaway.



Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.



A backward poet writes inverse.



In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.



A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.



If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.



With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.



Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flatminer.



When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.



The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.



A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.



You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.



Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.



He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.



A calendar's days are numbered.



A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.



A boiled egg is hard to beat.



He had a photographic memory which was never developed.



A plateau is a high form of flattery.



Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.



When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.



If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.



When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.



Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis.



Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.



Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Top 15 Police Responses During Traffic Stops

#15 - "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

#14 - "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13 - "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 - "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 - "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 - "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 - "Warning! You want a warning? Okay - I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 - "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 - "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
shit. "

#6 - "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 - "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 - "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 - "No Sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 - "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. You know someone who can post your bail."


May I have the envelope please.....................



AND THE WINNER IS:



#1 - "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?

You're right, we don't. Sign here."

#1 is a doozy! lol

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs.

One night, he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas...

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual "dumb
blonde" jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way?

"What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?

"Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

"You, and your kind, continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"Stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little shit on your knee."

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box, and promised to put it in the Air Crew efrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and
proceeded to rant to her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin:

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please
raise your hand"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Some dudes never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as you think.

I can't help but reflect on what a awesome Doctor I have.

He's straight up about everything.

Here's what I've asked him through the years, and here's what he answered:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products..


Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is : No Pain...Good!


Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

This has been around before, but if you missed it...enjoy the laugh.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old - and still drives her own car.



She writes:

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
if you love Jesus" bumpersticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

(It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.)

I found that many people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

"For the love of God!"

"Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard
him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way - with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a "Hawaiian good luck sign" or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window....and gave him the good luck sign right back!

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment - that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray, or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters - grinning - and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again, and felt somewhat sad that I had to leave them -
after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window.....and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign ONE LAST TIME as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

Will write again soon,

Love,

Grandma

that was funny