By-Tor.com

^^^

^^^

Wurd on that ARGUMENT statement Bro.

That's the gospel truth.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD


George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: "Is someone in your house?"

He said: "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said: "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30....Then he phoned the police
again:

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now - because I just shot them"

He then hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, two Fire Trucks, a
Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and
immediately caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George countered: "I thought you said there was nobody available."


Moral: Don't mess with old people.

I like that.

that was funny

Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes

Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it?s head.

Q: What?s the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

New Stock Market Lingo

Ya gotta learn the new lingo to understand today's stock market!


Here we go:


CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer;

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer;

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

"VALUE" INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down
the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.

WINDOWS - What you jumped out of, if you're the sucker who bought
YAHOO at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked
up in the nuthouse.

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.



Helpful History Lessons:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
will have $49.00 today...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you will have $0.00 today.

But - Had you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago,
drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling
refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

These are hilarious.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

Nice! I just hope they really aren't true. That would be too frightening to know that's going on in court!

I haven't laughed that hard in some time! LOL Thankee!!!!

And to think, lawyers have to go to school to earn their degrees.

Who teaches these classes?

(An oldie - but it still has teeth)


After work, there were protesters on the train platform handing out
pamphlets on the "evils" of America.

I politely declined to take one.

Meanwhile, an elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator,
and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her the pamphlet, which
she politely declined as well.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship, and, in a very soft voice said,

"Lady - don't you care about the children of Iraq and Afghanistan?"

The old woman looked up at her and said:

"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband
in Korea and a son in Vietnam....All three died so you could have the
right to stand here and bad-mouth our country."

"One more thing: If you touch me again - I'll stick this umbrella up your
ass and open it."

Hahahaha! Classic fantastic!!!

Big Blue Owl wrote:Hahahaha! Classic fantastic!!!

Thankyeeew! I'll be playin' the Holiday Inn South all this weekend.

Look for me - I'll be talking the old women (huddled around the piano player) up.

A woman (not mentioning anybody recently in the news, mind you) walks
into a downtown welfare office, trailed by 14 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep they are all Mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well then," says the social worker, "You must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy, and the girls are
all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're ALL named
Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it's time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, "Leroy!" An' when it's
time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a-runnin'. An' if I
need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and
all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all
Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last name."