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The Joke thread
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
LOL?I stole this from AK's MySpace blog.
So, Who Is Jesus?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
So, Who Is Jesus?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
Onward and Upward!
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Those were great!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat was dead?" She asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." The child answered innocently.
"You did what?!?" The teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went *PSSSST* and it didn't move.
Those were great!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know the cat was dead?" She asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." The child answered innocently.
"You did what?!?" The teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went *PSSSST* and it didn't move.
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
Fridays...
A guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has
his first meeting with the devil ...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry
about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker ?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember ?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Great, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're
dead anyhow. What about Drugs ?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place !
Satan: You gay ?
Guy: No...
Satan: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays.
his first meeting with the devil ...
Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...
we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry
about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Satan: You a smoker ?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember ?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Great, because Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're
dead anyhow. What about Drugs ?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place !
Satan: You gay ?
Guy: No...
Satan: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays.
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE.
There are six floors, and the value of the products increase
as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down, except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men have JOBS."
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men HAVE JOBS and LOVE KIDS."
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
She continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, and are EXTREMELY
GOOD LOOKING."
"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes on to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, are drop-dead
GOOD LOOKING and HELP WITH HOUSEWORK."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still unsold, she goes to the fifth floor, and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, are drop-dead
GOOD LOOKING, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, and have STRONG
ROMANTIC TENDENCIES."
She is SO tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor anyway,
where the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor."
"There are no men on this floor."
"This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."
"THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE!"
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
new (you guessed it) "WIFE STORE" just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and
like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.
"THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE WIFE STORE."
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE.
There are six floors, and the value of the products increase
as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or
may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down, except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men have JOBS."
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men HAVE JOBS and LOVE KIDS."
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
She continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, and are EXTREMELY
GOOD LOOKING."
"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes on to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, are drop-dead
GOOD LOOKING and HELP WITH HOUSEWORK."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still unsold, she goes to the fifth floor, and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, are drop-dead
GOOD LOOKING, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, and have STRONG
ROMANTIC TENDENCIES."
She is SO tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor anyway,
where the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor."
"There are no men on this floor."
"This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."
"THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE!"
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
new (you guessed it) "WIFE STORE" just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and
like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited.
"THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE WIFE STORE."
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses or a cell phone.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone (which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 [or 60 GAH!] years of your life) is now
a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this - nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!
And now, you're laughing at YOURSELF!
Feels good, doesn't it?
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses or a cell phone.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone (which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 [or 60 GAH!] years of your life) is now
a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this - nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list!
And now, you're laughing at YOURSELF!
Feels good, doesn't it?
Don't start none...won't be none.
