Proposed Agenda
2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events
7:00 PM ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 PM ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 PM ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 PM ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 PM ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 PM ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 PM ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 PM ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 PM ~ "Answering Machine Etiquette" - Alec Baldwin
11:00 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 PM ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidn ey transplant fund - Barbr a Streisand
11:15 PM ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay -? Sean Penn
11:30 PM ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 PM ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 PM ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clin ton by Nancy Pe losi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
The Joke thread
Next week's geography lesson change will be:
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
-
ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up-scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing (even accidental) and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up-scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing (even accidental) and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
The Joke thread
Hee Hee Hee
Now he can go home and be fret less.
Now he can go home and be fret less.
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Re: The Joke thread
Wendy wrote:Hee Hee Hee
Now he can go home and be fret less.
And not easily diminished.
Great joke Elfie.
This space for rent
-
ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
D'OH... a beer... I need a beer...
RAY..... the guy who sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
RAY..... the guy who sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass)
D'OH!
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
The Joke thread
Oh I am so still giggling over the musical notes in the bar joke.
GOL
GOL
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
Car Wreck!
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but - amazingly -
neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just LOOK at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but
we're unhurt!
This must be a sign from God that we should meet, be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days!"
Flattered, the man replies:
"Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This MUST be a sign
from God!"
The woman continues:
"And look at this, here's another miracle! My car is completely
demolished - but this bottle of wine didn't break!
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune!"
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle - and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks:
"Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies: "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Dudes, SOME women are clever, evil wenches.
Don't mess with 'em.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but - amazingly -
neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:
"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just LOOK at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but
we're unhurt!
This must be a sign from God that we should meet, be
friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days!"
Flattered, the man replies:
"Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This MUST be a sign
from God!"
The woman continues:
"And look at this, here's another miracle! My car is completely
demolished - but this bottle of wine didn't break!
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune!"
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle - and then hands it
back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks:
"Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies: "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Dudes, SOME women are clever, evil wenches.
Don't mess with 'em.
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Joke thread
Life Explained:
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past.? For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking.? How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty
long time to perform.? How about I give you back ten
like the Dog?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family.? For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years.? How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.? For
this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said:
"Only twenty years?? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past.? For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking.? How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years?? That's a pretty
long time to perform.? How about I give you back ten
like the Dog?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family.? For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years.? How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.? For
this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said:
"Only twenty years?? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the
monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that
makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit
on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
