FORFEIT.zepboy wrote:Hey, how do you keep Indianapolis Colts out of your yard?
. . . put up goalposts!
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
A Little girl asked her Mom:
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies: "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says:
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed
the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said:
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash - and
only go one time 'round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later -
with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said:
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies: "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says:
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed
the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said:
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash - and
only go one time 'round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later -
with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said:
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
There is a political joke thread in that forum guys...........thanks. 
Here's a funny one.....................I hope.
The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
Here's a funny one.....................I hope.
The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
This space for rent
Be careful to use the correct e-mail address!
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules it was difficult to coordinate their
travel plans, so the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and - without realizing his error - sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a
heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules it was difficult to coordinate their
travel plans, so the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and - without realizing his error - sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned
home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a
heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor...
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my kitty."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
"Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist.
"Why of course!" says the tattoo artist.
"Good," she says. "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my kitty."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it."
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart for the drunk man. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of seconds and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
This space for rent
, pulls the covers over itself and says, "Well, I guess this answers THAT question!"
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't use any
moisturizers for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep
this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't use any
moisturizers for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
This space for rent
Walkinghairball wrote:There is a political joke thread in that forum guys...........thanks.
Here's a funny one.....................I hope.
The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
that was funny as hell dude... or should I say Mr. Iamheresothreadsdonotgoastrayperson.
Happy 2015!
COMPUTER DEPENDENCY TEST
Here's a quick test for you to take!
This proves that we have become too dependent
on our computers.
Computer Dependency Test:
Q. Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down .........
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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Look down, not scroll down, knuckleheads!!!
Here's a quick test for you to take!
This proves that we have become too dependent
on our computers.
Computer Dependency Test:
Q. Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down .........
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Look down, not scroll down, knuckleheads!!!
Don't start none...won't be none.