By-Tor.com

WEST VIRGINIA RESIDENCY APPLICATION

NAME:

NICKNAME:

CB 'HANDLE':

ADDRESS: (RFD )

Daddy (If unknown attach list of three suspects):

Mama:

Neck Shade:

[ ] Light Red
[ ] Medium Red
[ ] Dark Red

Number of Teeth Exposed in Full Grin

Upper:

Lower:

Name of Pickup Owned:

Height of Truck:

Number of empty Beer Cans on Floor of Pickup:

Truck Equipped With:

[ ] Gun Rack
[ ] 8 - Track
[ ] Fuzz Buster
[ ] Big Dog
[ ] Racoon Hide
[ ] Mud Flaps
[ ] 4-Wheel Drive
[ ] Load of Wood
[ ] Spitoon
[ ] Camper Top
[ ] Confederate Flag
[ ] Hijacker Shocks
[ ] Mag Wheels
[ ] Air Horns
[ ] Toothpick Holder
[ ] Mud-Grip Tires
[ ] Dual CB Antenna

Bumper Stickers (on Truck)

[ ] Eat More Possum [ ] Wave If You?re Horny [ ] Peanut Butter
[ ] Redman Chewing Tobacco [ ] Honk If You Love Jesus
[ ] I Stop At All Fishing Holes

Define the following: (Must be 90% Correct)

Brogans:
Chitlins:
Cobbler:
Collards:
Cracker:
Fatback:
Grits:
Goobers:
Muscadine:
Pig Skins:
Pinto Beans:
Poke:
Ramps:
Redeye Gravy:
Sawmill Gravy:
Shit-on-a-Shingle:
Sidemeat:
Soppin' Syrup:
Tater:
Tote:
Turnip Salad:


Favorite Favorite Vocalist:

[ ] Donna Fargo [ ] Conway Twitty [ ] Loretta Lynn
[ ] Hank Williams [ ] Elvis [ ] Johnny Cash
[ ] Tammy Wynette [ ] Slim Whitman [ ] Porter Wagoner
[ ] Willie Nelson [ ] George Jones [ ] Box Car Willie
[ ] Pond Family

Favorite Recreation:

[ ] Square Dancin? [ ] Possum Huntin? [ ] Spittin? Backy
[ ] Craw Daddin? [ ] Gospel Singin? [ ] 4-Wheelin?
[ ] Drankin? [ ] Bluegrass Pickin' [ ] Tent Churchin?
[ ] Bull Chip Tossin? [ ] Porch Sittin? [ ] Whitewater Raftin?

Baseball Cap Emblem:

[ ] John Deere [ ] PBR [ ] NRA
[ ] BUD [ ] NAPA [ ] Skoal Bandits
[ ] McCullock Chain Saw [ ] CAT [ ] Coors

Memberships:

[ ] Izaak Walton League
[ ] PTL/700 Clu
[ ] B.A.S.S.
[ ] NRA
[ ] VFW
[ ] American Legion
[ ] Moose
[ ] Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
[ ] NHRA

General Information

Number of Weeks unemployed this year:

Number of Welfare checks received this year:

Number of Dependents:

Legal: Claimed:

Number of Hound Dogs:

Type:

[ ] Bluetick
[ ] Black & Tan [ ] Beagle
[ ] Bloodhound
[ ] Redbone

Length of Right Leg: Length of Left Leg:

Does your truck contain some part painted the
official state color, Primer Red?

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks
in your front yard?

How many kitchen appliances (working or not) will you
keep on your front porch?

Will you be a part of the West Virginia Intelligentsia
with a measurable IQ?

When was your last Elvis sighting?

Where?

Do you wear mostly double knit polyester pants with
snags?

Do you own any shoes, if so how many?

Do they match?


Are you married to any of the following?

[ ] Sister
[ ] Cousin
[ ] Aunt

Do you know her name?

Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?

If so, by how much?


Beer Drinkers Only:

Take off your clothes, look down. Can you see your feet?

Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?

Have you stayed sober for an entire weekend?


Can you count:

[ ] Past 10 with your shoes on?
[ ] To 21 with your fly up?

Do you know any words that have more than 4 letters?

Have you EVER had more than 1 bath a week?


Medical Information

Do you have any of the following?

[ ] B.O.
[ ] Trench Mouth
[ ] Crabs
[ ] Runny Nose
[ ] Head Lice
[ ] Bad Breath
[ ] Scabies

whare con me git me 1 of tem thar apleecashones

jus' cross the state line and go to the first Mom & Pop store ya see.

(ya go South 'till ya SMELL it, and West 'till ya SEE it.)

Speak s-l-o-w-l-y and c-l-e-a-r-l-y when you ask for
the application, and watch out for tobacco spit.

(They love to give "Carpetbagger & Chowderhead Shoeshines.")

now that I'm a card-carryin' West Virginian...

... y'all be good, and...

don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha.

Kind of feel like shit now with what happened there today

Me too. Damn.

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
Scroll down





Scroll down







Scroll down
The bee answered, "BP."

hehehe

DUBYA and the Queen

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow....

President Bush strides to a warm and
dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to
the edge of Central London, where they
change to a magnificent 17th century
carriage, hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Bucking'em
Palace - waving to the thousands of
cheering Britons.

All is going well.

Suddenly - the right rear horse lets
fly with the most horrendous, earth-
shattering fart ever heard in the
British Empire.

(The smell is atrocious - and both
passengers in the carriage must use
kerchiefs over their noses.)

The Queen then turns to President Bush:

"Mr. President please accept my sincerest
regrets. I am sure you understand - there
are some things that even a QUEEN cannot
control."

George W. Bush (always trying to be
"Presidential") replied:

"Yer Majesty, don't give it a second thought.
Until you mentioned it.....

I thought it was one of the horses."

LOL

Must of been eating beefaroni

Snicker snort

.......................TOOLS....................

What they're really meant for...


1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"SHIT!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.

12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.


20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds
them off or twists them off.

21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
the other hand not holding the knife.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days ...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer
and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the fuggin' ship?"

Walkinghairball wrote:A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in
the middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days .. and then 3 days ...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer
and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the fuggin' ship?"

Saw that one before, but it's still got teeth.

Rock on.

PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US....

The other day, someone at a store in our town
read that a meth lab had been found in an old
farmhouse in the adjoining county, and he asked
me a rhetorical question:

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you
and I were Growing up?"

I replied:

I had a drug problem when I was younger:

- I was drug to Church on Sunday morning...

- I was drug to Church for weddings and funerals...

- I was drug to family reunions and community socials ,
no matter the weather...

- I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful
to adults....

- I was (also) drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed
my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card,
did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or
the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in
EVERYTHING that was asked of me....

- I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth
washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity....

- I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and
burrs out of dad's fields....

- I was drug to the homes of family, friends,
and neighbors to help out some poor soul who
had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline
or chop some firewood, and - if my mother had ever
known that I took a single DIME as a tip for this
kindness, she would have DRUG ME BACK TO THE
WOODSHED.

Those drugs are STILL in my veins, and they affect
my behavior in EVERYTHING I DO, SAY OR THINK.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin;
and if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us .