Hey Heather,
Pretty heavy stuff. I know that nothing I can say will make you feel any better. Words don't make people feel better. But some of that stuff should probably be responded to.
I've had lots of deaths in my family, but none of them were my children. We all have deaths in our families. We all die. Nobody escapes that. But it goes so contrary to what seems to be the natural order of things to lose a child. It's a horrible pain. One I can't fully comprehend.
It's so easy to say 'dont hate'....'dont be obsessed'...'let go'....'that you are free to spend your time, mental energy, and emotional energy on living'
Yep, it is. And it's even easier to hate and be bitter. Isn't it always the case in life that the things that are the best for us seem the hardest to do?
I'm not saying any of that out of smugness. None of us get through this life without painful trials. More on that in a sec.
somehow you only hear that from people who have not experienced the most painfulest thing you can ever experience...
I do know people who have lost children who follow guidelines like that in their lives. They exist.
Okay, I haven't lost a child but in your scenario of someone raping your child, how do you get over hating them? I know you've had a cheating spouse like I have. I don't know what you felt for him before it happened. But when it happened to me I was so deeply, passionately, hopelessly in love with my wife. She had her problems, but I dealt with them and just loved her more. And all of a sudden, after 15 years of marriage, she's seduced away and screwing some kid who was 4 years old on our wedding day. I know anger. I know bitterness. I know pain. I understand the idea of hurting beyond what you ever thought a human body would survive. I know lying there unable to move because the pain is so crippling, and you wonder why you're still alive, because pain like that is supposed to kill a person.
The initial fantasies were of killing that guy. But I got over that quickly enough because killing him made it too easy for him. He'd have a few moments pain and then be on the other side. No, he needed to stay here and hurt and suffer with the rest of us. I so wanted him to suffer. So the fantasies turned to beating his fat sorry butt to the ground and kicking his ribs and listening to them snap and watching the pain on his face. And maybe breaking his fingers too. And kicking his face in. Breaking his legs with a club. Just causing excruciating pain.
And this sucker was smug. I knew he was never going to repent. I knew I'd never get an apology from him. And I knew there was no law I could use against him to have him brought to justice. As far as he was concerned he was getting away with everything and was proud of it.
At first seeing my little girls' dependant, sad eyes was all that kept me from going off to find him. They needed me here, not in jail for assault. But it didn't take very long for me to realize that harboring and nurturing feelings like this would destroy me soon. And it sure wouldn't help my daughters to be raised by a bitter, angry, twisted old man.
I'd heard a couple of psychological techniques for dealing with hurt, but they really weren't helping. One day while chatting with a friend about the anger I had for this guy she really surprised me by asking, "Matt, have you tried praying for him?" Pray FOR this scumbag? Pray for my enemy? Well, no, I hadn't. But I would. And I did. And it only took about a week to get over the need to inflict pain upon him. It probably took a couple of years before I got over thinking that if I suddenly met him I'd probably haul off and punch him in the face just once before offering him a hand up.
Now I've learned it's possible. The hatred has turned to pity. I've forgiven him. But what does that mean exactly? Would I pal around with him? No. Would I let my kids anywhere near him? No. Do I think pleasant thoughts about him and wish him well? No. It means I've put it in the hands of my Heavenly Father, who knows everything and is infinitely just and fair. I trust Him to deal with it. And when the angry feelings pop back up, as they will, I remember a passage of scripture that defines forgiveness as simply saying, "Let the Lord judge between me and thee".
I'm working hard on forgiving the ex. I thought I'd done it, but now she's suing me. Still heaping on the pile of stuff for which I need to forgive.
But I'll get there. I'm determined to do so, and I know it's possible. And I'm determined to show my kids the example of a dad who works on keeping a positive outlook. It'll be in good contrast to their bitter, angry, always playing the victim mother.
Please don't anyone reading this think I'm sharing such a deeply personal story to boast. "I did it, why can't you?" No, that's not what I'm about. I have so many weaknesses and failings... I'd never hold myself up to any of you as any sort of a great example to follow. The only point I was trying to make was that I do know pain, and I know from personal experience that the anger that accompanies it can be beaten.
I so greived for Neil when I heard the news that his daughter had died. My faith is such that when a loved one dies... like when my mother died... I didn't need to weep at her funeral. Yeah, I missed her and all, but I could feel that she hadn't ceased to exist, she was just... just living somewhere else. I'll see her again eventually. If my wife had just died in a car crash or something, it would have been easier for me to deal with than what DID happen. But I knew Neil was agnostic. That's a hopelessness I can't imagine facing. And as I read Ghost Rider it was confirmed. He said something like, "At least if I believed in a god then I'd have someone to be angry at!" Man, my heart ached for the guy. My heart aches for you, Heather.
So, I share. If there's something that gives me hope and hapiness, I share. I don't hide it. I know there are people reading this who think I'm an idiot for actually believing any of this stuff. I know I'm setting myself up to be mocked. So be it. A friend is hurting. I'm at least familiar with that genre of hurt and I know stuff that gives me hope, I'm going to share. I know that bitterness and anger eat away at our souls like a tape worm, so I'll share.
Heather, I don't expect you to believe anything I say about scripture or God or anything. It'd be weird if you DID just believe everything that some guy on the Internet was typing. That kind of belief comes through a lot of personal effort, study, prayer, etc. I just care. There's nothing in it for me to go on like this in here. I'm nothing like one of those jerk evangelists on the TV asking you to send in a check. There's nothing in it for me. I'm just trying to share something that gives me hope. Kind of like when I bought Rush in Rio and right away after seeing it called my brother and said, "You gotta see this!" Something special comes along that moves us, we naturally want to share.
Heather, I believe with all my heart that Cameron is well. Cameron is home. Cameron is a spirit so special that he didn't need the growing experiences that come from all these earthly trials that you and I are facing. I'm not just saying that. I believe it completely. If you want to ask, "How can you really believe such a thing?", let's take it out of the thread and discuss it privately. If you want to tell me to get bent, that's fine too.
I know that in the morning I'm going to feel really weird for having posted this, but, oh well. Here goes...
but his beautiful spirit is still there...God is not of this world...the world is not perfect like God which is transcendant...the world is engeneered on destruction...and fufilling drives with physical sensations...herbavores must consume plants, carnivores must consume herbavores and then baceria eat them when they die...being a part of the physical world is a state of consciousness...when you pysically die you pass into a new conscious "place" where the world has no meaning or importance anymore like to many here the other side means nothing to them...you will see him again in the spirit world...you both will see each other in your true self...immagine how beautiful that can be! Hope this helps Schu 