Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:05 am
I'm all in for that plan 
I know! Hey....schuette wrote:I'm all in for that plan
Happy Friday Sugar Booger.
Page 89 of 163
Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:08 am
Happy Friday Sugar Booger.
Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 3:04 pm
Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and
into a shop. I was only there for about five minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how
about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another
ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a
"doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about
twenty minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a
bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.
do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and
into a shop. I was only there for about five minutes
and when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how
about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another
ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a
"doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about
twenty minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a
bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.
Posted: Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:19 pm
t, is it any wonder I'm crazy boutcha?!!
Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 12:44 am
I got that from one of the pistol-packin' apron brigade ladies. 
Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 7:57 am
that was a good one 
Posted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 2:52 pm
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:28 am
A Virginia senior citizen drove his brand new
Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing
the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Virginia State Trooper
vehicle behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old
for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said:
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said:
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper."
"I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir" replied the Trooper.
Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing
the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Virginia State Trooper
vehicle behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old
for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said:
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said:
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper."
"I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir" replied the Trooper.
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:53 am
Why Men Wear Earrings
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,"
he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to ask:
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,"
he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prods him to ask:
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started.)
Posted: Wed Feb 21, 2007 2:57 pm
Rednecks at the Morgue
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty
bad. You had better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he
brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the
body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes. "
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
"Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had
two assholes."
"Every time we went to town, folks would say:"
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the
body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty
bad. You had better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he
brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the
body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes. "
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
"Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had
two assholes."
"Every time we went to town, folks would say:"
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 4:23 am
...I liked the last one Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 5:30 am
Cheers Schu. Loveya.schuette wrote:
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 8:43 am
I'm too lazy to go look, and I don't remember if this joke has been posted, but here goes anyhow.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 10:08 am
another good one
Posted: Fri Feb 23, 2007 11:13 am
"DON'T FART IN BED"
If this story doesn't make you cry (for laughing so hard),
let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. Kinda Like Sigette and I.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife, and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural.
She told him to see a doctor!
She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip-shit them out!
Then one fateful Thanksgiving morning, as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts - and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants
and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken, with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into
the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the
floor laughing, tears flooding her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror
on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.
He said:
"Honey, you were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up
farting my guts out, and today it finally happened!"
"But by the grace of God,
some Vaseline and two fingers..
I think I got most of them back in."
If this story doesn't make you cry (for laughing so hard),
let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for years. Kinda Like Sigette and I.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife, and the smell would
make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural.
She told him to see a doctor!
She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip-shit them out!
Then one fateful Thanksgiving morning, as she was
preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all
the spare parts - and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants
and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken, with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into
the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the
floor laughing, tears flooding her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back
pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror
on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.
He said:
"Honey, you were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up
farting my guts out, and today it finally happened!"
"But by the grace of God,
some Vaseline and two fingers..
I think I got most of them back in."