By-Tor.com

LOL!!

The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night - when
the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and
she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us to get it warm, and let it
go in the morning?"

He says, "Ok, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and
warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she
used - to beat him with - died at the scene.

Dudes those were funny!

George's Carlin's New Rules for 2007:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com <http> !
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because
you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my
lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost
less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of
your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
Whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me
up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you
did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern
Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on
your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

LOL! I especially like the part about the white people version of looting!

Almost all of that should be hack paddled into the ass of humanity. Mayhaps then, this world will be right on.

BELIEVE it or not, these are REAL 911 calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
& nbsp; thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

*ROFL*

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

awip2062 wrote:Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

I think that just a-boot covered it t.

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

* A woman over 40 will never wake you in the
middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?"

She doesn't care what you think.

* If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch
the game, she doesn't sit around whining
about it.

She does something she wants to do, and
it's usually more interesting.

* Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom
have a screaming match with you at the opera or
in the middle of an expensive restaurant.

Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate
to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

* Older women are generous with praise, often
undeserved.

They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

* Women over 40 get psychic as they age.

You never have to confess your sins.

* Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman
over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

* Older women are forthright and honest.

They'll tell you straight up if you are a jerk, or if
you are acting like one.

* You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude
of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot
woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic
in yellow pants making a fool of himself with
some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Dang bro...............you busted the He-Man club code with that post.



For shame on you.

Walkinghairball wrote:Dang bro...............you busted the He-Man club code with that post.



For shame on you.

Damn, and I just thought it was funny.

my bad.

If there are coffee and donuts, all is forgiven bro.

heynaaaw...

I'll git donuts, but not that krispy kreme krap.

have a big dag-nasty MISTER DONUT. Glazed. In yo FACE. That's it.

NOW - choke it down with a nice big cup of USMC 30 weight and you're muh-ney.