By-Tor.com

One day, Geddy finally wanted to check who his real father was, just out of curiosity, nothing more...So ehm..he went out to this laboratory where some guy had recently invented a computerprogramm, with which it became possible to ged a v?ry accurate reading.
So Geddy walked in and askes the man, "say? can you tell me where my dad is the now?"...so the man generates some data in the computer...the comp rattles a bit -and finally after five minutes, came the result.
"your dad sits along the riverside, fishing" So Geddy bursts out in a laugh and says! "hahaha, what a hoax this is! c?n't be! me dad is already dead for ?ges!"...The computerman takes a frown and says, "hey! that's rather strange! we never had these kind of complains before, you might ask the same question again, but then in a slightly different way" "Ok!" Geddy says...and thinks a while...then he comes up with, "ok, where is my mothers husband the now?"....this time the computer rattles just a little while and then comes with the answer, "oh! your mothers husband is already dead for ages, but your dad is fishing at the riverside!

Don't Mess with Human Resources!

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted or transferred, no salary increase, no commendation and that "The Company" is not doing any thing about it.

He decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning, and after exchanging greetings - told his HR Manager his observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down while saying:

"My friend, you have not worked here for even one day."

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain:

Manager: "How many days are there in a year?"
Man: "365 days and sometimes 366"

Manager: "How many hours make up a day?"
Man: "24 hours."

Manager: "How long do you work in a day?"
Man: "8am to 4pm, 8 hours a day."

Manager: "So, what fraction of the day do you work in 8 hours?"
Man: (He did some arithmetic and said:) "8/24 hours = 1/3 of a day."

Manager: "That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?"
Man: "(1/3x366 = 122 Days)"

Manager: "Do you come to work on weekends?"
Man: "No Sir."

Manager: "How many days are there in a year that are weekends?"
Man: "52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals 104 days."

Manager: "Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?"
Man: "18 days."

Manager: "OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove those 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?"
Man: "4 days."

Manager: "Do you work on New Years' Day?"
Man: "No Sir!"

Manager: "Do you come to work on Christmas Day?"
Man: "No Sir!"

Manager: "So....How many days are left?"
Man: "2 days Sir!"

Manager: "Do you come to work on the July 4th (Independence Day)?"
Man: "No Sir!"

Manager: "So...How many days are left?"
Man: "1 day Sir!"

Manager: "Do you work on Thanksgiving Day?"
Man: "No Sir!"

Manager: "So, how many days are left now?"
Man: "None Sir!"

Manager: "So, what EXACTLY are you claiming?"

Man: "I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing 'Company' money all these days."

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR = HIGH RISK!!!

Hell explained.....




The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that
the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is,
Of
course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law
(gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we
need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that
once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if
you
are
not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is
more
than One of these religions and since people do not belong to more

than
one
religion, We can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in

Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately
as
souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in
Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
Freshman
year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and

take
into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two

must
be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen
over,
it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of
a
divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."

George Bush, Tony Blair and the Belgian president , vanderhofstadt, were discussing submarines' issues, had a few beers -and they started bragging a bit. So finally Tony Blair says.."hey! we have subs these days, that can stay under for about twelve hours"...to which George Bush answers, "ack! man! that's OBE! ours can stay down for at least double the amout of that!, hahaha.." Finally Belgian prime minister vanderhofstadt says, "boys, boys! is that ?ll you have to offer? ours will never hit the surface again!"

LOL!

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers and sisters". At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs about how they came to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

A bit of history about indians on this date not a joke...

http://www.dickshovel.com/WKmasscre.html

Now here is a stupid joke....

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 drafts and sips one at a time taking turns with all 3 till he's finished then orders another round of 3
curious the bar tender asks; Why do you order 3 at a time and the man replies; because my two freinds stationed in Iraq asked me to have a drink for them so I do each time. Oh' the bar tender said that's a very nice though. Several months of this goes bye then one day the man asks for 2 beers. With concern on his face the bar tender asks; I'm sorry but did any thing happen to one of your friends? The man says no...I quit drinking.

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual
honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service
by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.


Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST! Read
on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:


Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.


Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occu pants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.


Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped and end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators
think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length
of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."


Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.



Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dis patched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright''
by his peers.



Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award
(awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a
curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it
was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police
investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket
scientist... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long,
straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO u nit to the car, jumped
in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0
miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and
melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of
350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before re the driver applied and completely melted
the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the
road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and
impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened
crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not
recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were
extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed
from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
speed of approximately 420-mph, though m uch of his voyage was not
actually on the ground.

True Story:



HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE
STORY....HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.



A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of
$560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter...and of
course, all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with
their GUNS, a DOG....and of course, the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want
to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus
on....something for the decoys to float on.

Now, making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going
to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a
short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip
on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming
toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:
they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the
stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING;
especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off
across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with
the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow; blink; start waving their arms; and, with veins in their
necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to
stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics; grabs the shotgun; and shoots the dog. The shotgun is
loaded with #8 bird shot....hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog
stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and
this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused....and of course
terrified...thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to
find cover.......UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
truck touches the dog's rear end; he yelps; drops the dynamite under the
truck; and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake...leaving the
two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on
their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of
explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the
first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. .doing fine. And you thought all Rednecks lived in the
South.

Darwin Awards...........................................Awesome!!!!

Me wrote:A bit of history about indians on this date not a joke...

http://www.dickshovel.com/WKmasscre.html

I understand that Wounded Knee was the reason a bunch of tribes in this area went to reservations fairly willingly. They were afraid they would all die otherwise.

Walkinghairball wrote:Darwin Awards...........................................Awesome!!!!

Agreed! Thanks, Kev.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs (well not Me) and
was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before

I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most

of my orifices and IV's in both arms.


Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with
the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it
was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your
pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every

time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally

complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me

and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Doctors.
Here's a little "What they say and what it means" help for you:

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you?ll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you?ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don?t we make another appointment later in the week."
(I?m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I?m charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I?m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you?re going to pay for it.)

* "Let?s see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I?d like to have my associate look at you."
(He?s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I?d like to prescribe a new drug."
(I?m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn?t clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don?t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That?s quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I?m going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we?re not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I?m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can?t buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I?d like to run some more tests."
(I can?t figure out what?s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You?re crazier?n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who?ll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(Whoa, that?s the third one this week. I?d better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I?ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I?m off next week.)