The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
^^^^ 
The Drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely
upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his
laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the
heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of
a ghost!"
Happy Halloween
The Drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely
upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly
filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown
things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his
feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard (barely containing his
laughter) who had watched
the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the
heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of
a ghost!"
Happy Halloween
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants
to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has
kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants
to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to
find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has
kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his
way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
This space for rent
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
I don't have faith in faith, I don't believe in belief, You can call me faithless, I still cling to hope, And I believe in love, And that's faith enough for me... Neil Peart
Those were all keepers
A man just bought a farm near me and asked if I knew where he could get some animals. I told him to just walk around to the differnt farms and ask. The first farm the man happened by he seen some rosters and thought that would be nice for my farm so he went up to the door and another farmers wife answered and he said: miss I'd like to buy one of those roosters and the farmers wife said we don't call them roosters we call them cocks the farmer said that is alright and bought him a nice rooster and tucked it under his arm wandering upon the next farm he saw some nice hens so he walked up to the door and yet anothers famers wife answered the door and he said miss I'd like to but one of those hens the famers wife said we don't call them hens we call them pullets that's ok the famer said bought one and tucked it under his arm and off down the road he went when he seen some nice donkeys in a field and thought that would be a good addtion to my farm so he found the farmer and asked if he could but a donkey and the farmer said we don't call them donkeys here we call them asses I got to warn you though after about a mile this ass will stop and you have to scratch under his chin to get him moving that's alright the other farmer said bought one and off he went sure enough after about a mile the donkey stopped and just at that time he saw a pretty lady across the street and he yelled miss could you help me for a min and the lady said sure what do you need and the farmer said could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass
A man just bought a farm near me and asked if I knew where he could get some animals. I told him to just walk around to the differnt farms and ask. The first farm the man happened by he seen some rosters and thought that would be nice for my farm so he went up to the door and another farmers wife answered and he said: miss I'd like to buy one of those roosters and the farmers wife said we don't call them roosters we call them cocks the farmer said that is alright and bought him a nice rooster and tucked it under his arm wandering upon the next farm he saw some nice hens so he walked up to the door and yet anothers famers wife answered the door and he said miss I'd like to but one of those hens the famers wife said we don't call them hens we call them pullets that's ok the famer said bought one and tucked it under his arm and off down the road he went when he seen some nice donkeys in a field and thought that would be a good addtion to my farm so he found the farmer and asked if he could but a donkey and the farmer said we don't call them donkeys here we call them asses I got to warn you though after about a mile this ass will stop and you have to scratch under his chin to get him moving that's alright the other farmer said bought one and off he went sure enough after about a mile the donkey stopped and just at that time he saw a pretty lady across the street and he yelled miss could you help me for a min and the lady said sure what do you need and the farmer said could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Orlando's LOVESLAVE
- Posts: 922
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 8:32 pm
- Location: Confused state of mind.
When girls drink too much...........
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and
honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a
homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them
sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "oh my God! I love this song!"
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us
just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor (or the mop? )
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that
we're having problems walking straight
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and
honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a
homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them
sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play's because "oh my God! I love this song!"
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us
just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the
kitchen floor (or the mop? )
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that
we're having problems walking straight
