The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Aerosmitten
- Posts: 8809
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Your House
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her
to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from
the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you
from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Th ings Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares.. . and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him , he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !!
to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from
the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you
from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Th ings Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares.. . and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him , he begins to cry and
asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and
picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here !!
A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote
desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy
looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the
barracks?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the
men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess
it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the
Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to
his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the
camel into the Captain's quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his
trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the
enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into
town"
desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy
looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the
barracks?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the
men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess
it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the
Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to
his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the
camel into the Captain's quarters.
Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his
trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the
enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into
town"
I don't have faith in faith, I don't believe in belief, You can call me faithless, I still cling to hope, And I believe in love, And that's faith enough for me... Neil Peart
I know a coupld of people who do things like this.Me wrote: Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals....
Onward and Upward!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
This space for rent
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense
that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help
and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too
wide."
when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense
that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help
and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said: "Then your stance is too
wide."
This space for rent
The Guys' Rules???????????????????
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full
moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is
a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no <span>idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full
moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is
a Problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no <span>idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing is wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
This space for rent
Walkinghairball wrote:A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
that one's on my office door! 
Don't start none...won't be none.