By-Tor.com

HAHAHAHA! Nice one, M8!

I am still snarfing my coffee from that one Cyg.

Rock on.

Today is International Disadvantaged Peoples' Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a retarded
friend, just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm
animals, vote liberal or occasionally mess yourself....

You hang in there sunshine, you're freaking special.

What if I do all four? Will you still love me in the morning?

Texas Chili Contest


If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced
Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected a s a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beer to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all
of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleedingby pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out,fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reactedto really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

>New Policy to get into Heaven
>
>
>
>
>It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
>admittance policy.
>The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a
>really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into
>effect at noon the next day.
>So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
>The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
>man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
>when you died."
>"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
>lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
>nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
>half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as
>I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
>noticed that there w as a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
>The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
>his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he
>landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.
>This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the
>first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the
>first thing I thought of was ! the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed
>it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25
>stories and crushed him!
>The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and
>died almost instantly.
>
>The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
>bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir.
>Welcome to the Kingdomof Heaven," and let him in.
>
>A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
>was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
>about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem.
>But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th
>floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of
>pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I
>got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
>Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
>below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
>apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I
>fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so
>I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground,
>unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
>refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
>lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
>
>The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
>could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well,"
>the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdomof Heaven," and he lets
>Trump enter.
>
>A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
>almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
>through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me
>what it was like the day you died."
>
>Clintonsays, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a
>refrigerator.......
>

>>>A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is feeling a little frisky
>>>but, true to his wife, goes home.
>>>
>>>He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets
>>>two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
>>>
>>>She starts to choke, but recovers and asks "What did you put in my
>>>mouth?"
>>>
>>>He says, "Two aspirin."
>>>
>>>She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
>>>
>>> He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him.

"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?"...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after
all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP."

***A PIC OF A "CROTCH ROCKET" STYLE MOTOR CYCLE***

Post Date:
Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:
Sep 6th, 2006


$10,000

06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292

>
> Just when you think there's no justice...
> **************************************************
>
> A news article from a Florida Newspaper:
>
> "When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his
> TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was
"generic
>white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least
is
>the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale
>police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably
thought
>they'd hit the big time."
>
> Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with
> the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
>Gertrude. She died three years ago."
>
> Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug
> dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The
>cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
And
>there was this note.
> It said:
> "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we
> wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your
> sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

Walkinghairball wrote:>New Policy to get into Heaven....

That one was the best!

Drunk in the snow


WYOMING STATE TROOPERS - GOTTA LOVE THEM BOYS!!!!!
IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF
CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE
TEMPERATURES DROP IN THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW. ONE
MORNING IN MARCH 2004 ABOUT 3 A.M. A WYOMING STATE
TROOPER RESPONDED TO A CALL OF A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER ON
THE OUTSIDE OF THE TOWN OF CASPER.
THE TROOPER LOCATED THE CAR, WITH THE ENGINE STILL
RUNNING, STUCK IN THE DEEP SNOW ALONG SIDE THE HIGHWAY.
PULLING IN BEHIND IT WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE
OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND A MAN PASSED
OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL AND A NEAR EMPTY BOTTLE OF VODKA IN
THE SEAT BESIDE
HIM.
THE TROOPER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW AND THE DRIVER WOKE UP,
SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE
STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN
PANICKED. HE JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO DRIVE AND
HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40
THEN 50 MPH BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW.
THE TROOPER, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN
PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE
DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED,THINKING THE OFFICER WAS
ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR
ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE TROOPER YELLED AT THE MAN
ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE DRIVER OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL, AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.
ONCE OUT OF THE CAR THE DRUNKEN DRIVER ASKED ABOUT THE
TROOPER'S SPECIAL TRAINING AND JUST HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY
RUN 50 MPH. THE MAN WAS ARRESTED, STILL BELIEVING THAT A TROOPER HAD OUTRUN HIS CAR.

awip2062 wrote:What if I do all four? Will you still love me in the morning?

of COURSE, but I'll keep an eye on ya. LOL