Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time,
when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything
from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up
here? We're having a
great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and
whispered...
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second
half by our children. Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938)
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
REDNECK JOKES:
Did you hear about the Redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a Redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The Redneck gets emotionally
involved.
What's the most popular Redneck pickup line?
Nice tooth.
How do you know when you're staying in West Virginia?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the front desk says "go ahead".
How can you tell if a Redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in West Virginia?
A documentary.
What do they call them in Virginia?
Life styles of the rich and famous.
How many Rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.
Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 West Virginia state lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Charleston burned
down?
Yep, perteenear took out the whole trailer park.
What's the best thing to come out of West Virginia?
I-64.
A West Virginia State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?
A new Redneck law recently passed:
When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.
What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive"
The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag
her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"
Did you hear about the Redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a Redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The Redneck gets emotionally
involved.
What's the most popular Redneck pickup line?
Nice tooth.
How do you know when you're staying in West Virginia?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the front desk says "go ahead".
How can you tell if a Redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in West Virginia?
A documentary.
What do they call them in Virginia?
Life styles of the rich and famous.
How many Rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else it would have
been called a teethbrush.
Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 West Virginia state lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Charleston burned
down?
Yep, perteenear took out the whole trailer park.
What's the best thing to come out of West Virginia?
I-64.
A West Virginia State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, " 'bout what"?
A new Redneck law recently passed:
When a couple gets divorced, they are still brother and sister.
What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of
Eucalyptus Drive"
The operator asked "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag
her over to Oak St. and you pick her up there?"
Don't start none...won't be none.
I don't know if these came from VA or little children 
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
borax contains the heart and lungs, an d the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins
in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the
borax contains the heart and lungs, an d the abdominal cavity
contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water
burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f*ck off our car!"
***************************
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day
so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe
next time he'll buy me diamonds.
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water
burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f*ck off our car!"
***************************
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day
so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe
next time he'll buy me diamonds.
I don't have faith in faith, I don't believe in belief, You can call me faithless, I still cling to hope, And I believe in love, And that's faith enough for me... Neil Peart
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Hahahahaha..................all great.
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"What's wrong?" asked Jack.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"What's wrong?" asked Jack.
"I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Little Ball Player
At one point during a game, the coach called one
of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?
And....What the word team means?" The little boy
nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when
an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse,
attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?"
Once again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game
so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach a "dumb ass" is
it?" Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother."
At one point during a game, the coach called one
of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is?
And....What the word team means?" The little boy
nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when
an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse,
attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?"
Once again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game
so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach a "dumb ass" is
it?" Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
