29 WAYS TO INCREASE GLOBAL WARMING
The hysteria surrounding global warming
is a crock. The idea that
human beings are destroying the planet with BBQs and hair spray
is stupid and silly.
All clear thinking, rational human beings should refuse to accept
this nonsense.
Use the following chart as your 'how-to' guide and learn to enjoy
more of the wonderful resources our Earth has to offer.
I encourage readers to stop feeling guilty if they choose NOT to recycle.
It's time to burn those fossil fuels.
Get out and drive your SUV...
And by all means, leave the farting cows alone!
1. Remove your energy-saver bulbs and go back to normal lights.
Your home should emit a soft, warm, comforting glow. Dull gray
office lights have no business in a home. Normal lights look so
much better than those tacky fluorescents.
2. Rinse your driveway and walkways with water instead of using a blower.
A good wash removes stuck on dirt, grass and dead bugs that a
blower simply can't touch. Plus, by hosing down your driveway
instead of blowing you can avoid kicking up all of that
allergy-causing dust and debris.
3. Fart more during the day.
The average person produces about a half liter of fart gas per day.
If you increase that amount to ? of liter you will probably feel less
bloated and be a little friendlier to people around you. Fart gas
may contain methane which is a greenhouse gas.
4. Set your air conditioner thermostat to whatever temperature you want.
Some spring nights you may want to enjoy the cool spring air by
sleeping with a window open and leaving the heater on. Haven't you
ever driven at night in a convertible with the top down and the heat
on? It's a great feeling.
5. Use a BBQ smoker at least once a month.
There is no better tasting food on this planet than smoked meat.
Smoked ribs, smoked ham and even smoked salmon. It's simply delicious!
NOTE: Some people think clouds of billowing smoke rising
out of your backyard will increase global warming.
6. Chop down trees.
If you prefer open views and sunshine, a big ugly tree obstructing
your landscape can be nuisance. The truth is, some trees are better
off turned into firewood. Trees are a100% renewable resource.
If we need more, we can plant more.
7. Grab extra packets of ketchup when you visit a fast food joint.
By taking lots of extra packs you can be sure you'll have enough
sauce to cover each and every fry. And when you toss the extra
stuff (you don't need) into the garbage, you can deliver
more waste
to the landfills and cause
more packets to be made.
8. Allow the water to run while you brush your teeth.
The sound of water running early in the morning can have a
calming effect as you prepare for school or work.
9. Stay away from organic foods.
Foods grown without pesticides are more prone to parasites and
disease. Large factories requiring lots of energy are needed to
produce chemical pesticides. More factories could also mean more
jobs for people who need them.
10. Be sure to set your dishwasher to 'heat dry' rather than 'air dry'.
Get ALL of your dishes dry faster. The heat setting can also reduce
the number of spots appearing on the glasses.
11. Drive an SUV.
A nice big sport utility vehicle allows you to haul more of your stuff
in greater comfort. Why not live life in luxury? Stretch out and relax.
You should not have to contort your body and legs around a tiny
steering wheel and fit into someone else's idea of acceptable transportation.
12. Always turn your water heater up to the maximum temperature setting.
This way you can use a little less of the hot water in your hot/cold
mix to make your shower warm. This also allows you to take longer showers, wash more
clothes and enjoy a bath where a tub of water actually
reaches the top before it gets too cold.
13. Hold the lever down a little longer when you flush the toilet.
Since so many of us are now using these tiny, little, girley-man,
1.6gpf ultra-low flow toilets, holding the lever a bit longer to
completely empty the tank will increase the chance everything will actually get down.
When you empty the toilet reservoir tank, you force the sewage treatment
facility to take more crap and water and spend more
energy working to process the stuff before it's dumped in the ocean.
14. Never use mass transit.
What if, on your way home from work, you want to stop and get
a pizza? What if you want to take the scenic route as you drive to
the office? What if you simply decide at the last minute to ditch
work and go to the beach? Public buses and trains deprive you
of your ability to do what you want when you want to.
15. Use hot water to wash your clothes.
The best way to clean white clothes is with hot water and a little
bleach. Cold water simply doesn't do the job. This is also the
method to use if you need to disinfect sheets and towels after
having those nasty relatives over for a visit. In most cases,
using hot water requires the burning of fossil fuel. Some people
think the more we burn fossil fuels, the more we will increase
global warming.
16. Wash smaller loads in your wash machine.
Washing your clothes more frequently means you'll have
more fashion choices each morning. Plus, by running smaller
loads, you can be sure that your clothes are getting as clean
as possible.
17. Remove the flow restrictors from your low-flow shower heads.
Simply open them up with a screwdriver, punch out the plastic
restrictor and once again enjoy the nice, strong shower you
deserve.
18. Avoid buying a new car solely for its fuel economy.
Cars that get the best gas mileage are almost always the ugliest
cars on the road. The truth is, while you may be saving 3 or 4
dollars on a tank of gas,
you almost always look like an idiot
driving a Kia.
19. Stop recycling your bottles and aluminum cans.
The time it takes to separate your recyclables is not worth the
hassle. How much do you really make on the deal? A dollar a
bag? - or some other ridiculously insignificant amount. Plus,
have you ever thought about all of the money your city makes
to pay the city to haul away items that they will in turn sell for
a profit?
Start dumping your recyclables in the trash where
they belong.
20. Always accept a free sample.
Especially at the grocery store, a tiny, little half cooked sausage
or a cheesy cracker may be just what you need to quell those
rising hunger pains as you shop. The energy required to slaughter
the animal for sausage and fry it up nice and good
is the same
energy that some people think will increase global warming.
21. Always drive a little over the speed limit.
In some states you can get away with driving as much as
15mph
over the posted speed limit. Driving a little faster will help you
arrive at your destination quicker, giving you more time to do
other things.
22. Never reuse old faxes.
Have you ever seen people use both sides of the paper in their
fax machines? Don't they realize the other side bleeds through
making both sides difficult to read...Never mind trying to figure
out which side is the most current. Faxes should be treated like
toilet paper. You use one side and throw it out.
23. Trade in your gas BBQ for a charcoal grill.
The quick start convenience of a gas grill is great but, you can't
beat the taste of food cooked on an old fashioned charcoal grill.
Also, refilling or swapping out your used propane tanks is so
much more of a hassle than
dumping a bag of coals.
24. Leave your outdoor lights on through the night.
One of the best forms of home security is a well lit perimeter.
Criminals are attracted to dark spaces and avoid targets that
have bright lights. While you may be able to keep the burglars
away, some people think
the extra lights will increase global
warming.
25. Ask for more junk mail.
Use a fake name to get on as many mailing lists as possible.
There's a small chance you may actually see something you like.
As the ads arrive simply toss the unwanted stuff into the garbage.
The more ads you receive the more trees have to be cut down
to produce more paper. This too
may help add jobs to the
economy.
26. Don't buy recycled copier paper.
It's usually more expensive and it always has that weird grayish
hue that never looks quite right. When you avoid recycled paper,
you increase the number of trees being turned into pulp and
this
is a good thing.
27. Double or even triple bag your groceries at the supermarket.
Use as many bags as you need to ensure your items don't burst
through the bottom. The goal is to deliver your goods from the
market to your pantry in as near perfect condition as possible.
What global warming freak is going to pay for your broken
Kahlua bottles if the one-bag theory doesn't hold up?
28. Do not use re-refined oil in your car.
Other than it costing more, there is something just not right about
putting someone else's old lube in your hot new ride. When you
avoid re-refined oil,
you encourage the oil companies to explore,
drill and produce more energy.
29. Print online articles and stop reading from your computer screen.
This list of '29 things' was written by those mean old conservatives
at MetroSpy.com (
http://www.metrospy.com/). We want you to
know, this list should be printed and read from a sheet of paper.
After you've read the list, throw that paper in the trash. If you want
to read it again, simply print it again!
DO NOT READ THIS LIST FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN!!
By following the advice on our list you can learn to enjoy all of the wonderful
resources this nice big planet has to offer. On the other
hand, if you decide to pursue the hippie-lifestyle and avoid the
Earth's natural resources that's okay! Others of us are perfectly
happy consuming whatever you decide not to use.
Burn more, digg more, eat more! - Enjoy!
